Letters to Shilo
From Unkle Bill W BobChange
Sooner or later love is going to get you. We sing of this in the 52 Week Song.
Love and wordy words,
Letters to Shilo
From Unkle Bill W BobChange
Sooner or later love is going to get you. We sing of this in the 52 Week Song.
Love and wordy words,
Notnek’s City Hall Speech
“Hello Normal Towne.”, says Notnek.
<<Notnek stands in front of the podium
and raises his hands and hooves. he is
wearing a wireless microphone on the
lapel of his Hawaiian shirt. the crowd
shivers like grass rustling in the
Oklahellmouth breeze, and their talking
stops. Notnek walks around behind the
podium. his cow appendages fold neaty
behind his back. he grips the podium
with one human hand and waves his
words to the crowd with his other hand
while he speaks, odium on the podium:>>
“Friends, I am here today to lead us
forward. Forward from the chaos of the
days gone by. Because you trusted me to
make things right. I vow not to violate that
trust. But, at the same time, I will do what
is best for our town using all the power I
have at mydisposal. The Cowman and
Human lives of those who do not follow my
leadership will be nasty, brutish and short;
whereas those who play by the rules will be
rewarded with lives that are filled with
pleasant days, relaxation, and that are of
considerable length,”, says Notnek.
<<Notnek leans forward, takes off his
glasses and starts to list of a long list of
new Normal Towne rules and regulations. Notnek discusses everything from interpersonal relations to public beheadings. crime and punishment. talky talk talk>>
“Oh, and one more thing, Finnegan
L’Argent du Sang, you are under arrest.”,
<<Notnek claps his hands together and
several several-armed guards surround
you, Jaybee, Star, Dasha and Tony the
Meat Guy. Free Dave walks up to you
and secures your hands behind your
back with a zip tie>>
“Sorry bud, Bosses orders.”, says Free Dave.
<<apologizes without really apologizing.
Finnegan, you are led, trussed up, to
stand next to your former employer.
your former employer is now the Ruler
of the city you call home. this is an
added bonus to your questionable health
and your family life in shambles. the
melted cheese to your rejection pizza.
the ice cubes in your binge drinking
gallon jug. life does get more horrifying
than this, but only in stories that you are
too afraid to read>>
Work on 52 week song
<<Finnegan, you are hiding in time. you are hiding in your mind. a magick spell.
you remember the time you were an initiate in a coven of withes in South West
“I think my greatest loss was my art studio.”, you say. <<to the circle of naked humans.
you all stand in the red dirt circle in the moonlight. the circle is at the intersection
of the Choctaw and Arcaneya rivers. you do not talk about your time with the
Witches of Rush Springs to anyone. a secret in a box in the back of your mind.
after your time in the military you move your portable liquor store to a small town
south of Oklahellmouth City, south of Normal Towne. you studied magic’s in books
written by members of the Platinum Twilight. you studied Tarot with a group of
refugees calling themselves the Weir Witches. the refugees came from all over the
globe. they a practice they called vegetable magic. this sounds like having sex with
supermarket produce but although the magick was at times sexual in nature, the
witches did not copulate with corn cobs. i am not comfortable discussing the things
you and these other humans did with yourselves during your stay with the Witches
of Rush Springs, but let me just say it all ended with a prayer called the 52 Week
Enter Anansi !!!
…or One Boss, Two boss…
”There were a lot of folks on that trail. Not everybody made it back to camp.”, says
Dasha solemnly. <<her velveteen rabbit ear flopped over he left eye, Dasha stares at
the destruction of her city with her uncovered right eye. a half hearted acceptance
of reality. in the daylight of the early morning, Star leads you, Dasha, Jaybee the
Homeless Ninja, and Tony the Meat Guy back down the road toward the town she
had just abandoned. the town she swore to protect, but now has rejected her>>
<<Star and Dasha and Finnegan exchange war stories:>>
Dasha – “Everybody died. I got a rabbit ear and made a new friend named Jaybee,
who is really good at killing and befriending monsters.”
you (Finnegan) – “I got drunk and threw up on the windshield and got my friend killed.
Oh yeah we found my husband’s empty laboratory and destroyed some rich guy’s meat
factory. Hopskotch and I slaughtered a bunch of zombie cows and zombie humans
before Hopskotch died. Yeah.”
Star – “Free Dave left our camp after his followers couldn’t decide on which Beagles
song was going to be our national anthem. ‘Take it easy’, I told Free Dave; he just
spit in my face. Fuck that guy. Fuck that song. Notnek was rumored to have
restarted the city council. Free Dave left us and headed there. My camp went from
bad to worse as Notnek seized control of the city power grid, the water treatment
plant. Everything else just followed along. I said fuck all that and headed to the
train station while there was still a public transit system option. I’m pretty certain
Normal Towne is headed the way of Nazi Germany. And Hitler wears a Hawaiian
<<you are newly reacquainted with your friends. Jaybee is newly reacquainted with
his town. Star is newly acquainted with Jaybee. Dasha is newly acquainted with a
rabbit ear. the four of you walk away from the train station and toward Ticky
“Place sure has gone to hell since I left town.”, says Jaybee the Homeless Ninja.
<<the sky is overcast from the smoke created by the buildings and cars on fire.
there is looting, there are people running through the streets. police are chasing
after a car full of kids who are throwing molotov cocktails out of their car windows.
both the cops’ car and the kids’ car are filled with both cow and human bodies>>
“Sadly, you won’t see much of that around here. That car full of kid and cow rabble
rousers is one of the last in town. Notnek has his new and improved military police out
enforcing Notnek law and order on the streets of Normal Towne.”, says Star.
<<Star slaps the palm of her hand with a metal baseball bat. she has welded two
circular blades from a garden tilling machine to her baseball bat. i would hate to
be inside of a human or cow body when that baseball bat hits it; chances are i will.
Jaybee stops to pick up a discarded cigarette that he has spied upon the ground>>
“Ahh ha!! But don’t this land still grow smokes? Eh?”, says the Homeless Ninja. <<with
“I’m glad you can still find pleasure during the Cowpocalypse bud. There has been so
much change sincere left, just days ago. Days I can’t remember and days I can’t forget. I
can’t believe they’ve started to rebuild with the Horde still attacking the surrounding
cities and towns…it’s like…”, begins Dasha.
“Let’s see if we can find an abandoned house for showers and supplies.”, you interrupt.
“It’s like we just stepped out of a time machine.”, finishes Dasha.
<<you and the Friends seek a home for cleaning up and replenishing supplies and
changing into less gore covered clothes. humans and cows and many versions in
between, can bee seen rebuilding the stores and restaurants that they themselves
had demolished in a frenzy to eat or not be eaten by each other. there are posters
of Notnek, the two headed mayor, on nearly every building. you scream at the
poster as soon as you see it>>
“That’s him!! That is the monster-Boss that killed Hopskotch!!”, you shout five times.
<<you start to exclaim wildly and jump up and down. you touch each of the Friends
on their respective shoulder. you act as if you are explaining it to each of them for
the first time and you have to scream it because they might not understand english
if it is not spoken at full volume. you finish speaking your thoughts in a
conspiratorial hushed urgency:>> “This isn’t Notnek; well, not like we know him. I
think that is a future version of our asshat boss. It’s more like he stepped out of a time
machine Dasha.”, you say.
<<this surprises Dasha, Jaybee and Tony. They have all heard Finnegan’s Tale: the
Death of Hopskotch; but Star who has not, is not.>>
“They call him ball sweat breath…”, Star says. <<she begins her tale in a sing song
voice>> “They called him Shit Kicker, they called him Poison Okie. Now he is known as
‘the Creator of Coincidences and Curiosities, the Purveyor of Peace. This is all according
to the evening news of course; which views like a car commercial. Notnek being the
advertised car.”, Star says.
“Well he was a used car salesman.”, Dasha says.
“I am surprised that he didn’t include his honorary title as ‘the Surveyor of YarrrS.”, you
“Uhmmm… What is Yarrrs?”, asks Tony the Meat Guy.
<<in his confusion, Tony shows his lack of a background in science friction
literature and breaks up the tension so often built up during a conversation about
one of the Friend’s employers>>
“Thanks Friend, make mine a vodka tonic!”, say Dasha, Star, you and Jaybee in strained
<<Tony the Meat Guy, while not a sci-fi nerd, knows when he is being put on by a
bunch of sci-fi nerds. Tony shakes his head and mutters under his breath about
some people’s children>>
“I see you’ve never drank at Callahan’s Place, eh mate?”, asks Jaybee. <<he puts a
reassuring hand on Ton’s shoulder. the two men smile and nod and exchange
human beginning friendship hand gestures>>
Star goes on, “The immediate rebuilding of the town isn’t as shocking as ‘The Notnek Life
Story’, a made for T.V. movie alreadyy airing on small screens. It plays ten times a day in
all public buildings across Normal Towne.”
<<Dasha interrupts Star and asks:>>, “Why does Notnek look like that? He was still
normal looking for a zombie human a few days ago. What’s with the two heads eight
<<the Friends all look at Dasha’s rabbit ear and wonder at her surprise at Notnek’s
“After you all left Normal Towne, things got interesting.”, says Star.
“Because the plain ol’ zombie apocalypse was getting boring?”, interjects Jaybee.
<<group laugh. a pause… you kids are cute. if that teen coming of age television
show had been set in the zombie apocalypse… oh they made that movie did they?>>
“Free Dave and I had organized the groups of people we had sent to settle and reclaim
the different parts of Normal Towne. You know, the Ticky Tacky University Campus, the
Campus Corner food and business district, Downtown Normal Towne and the homes of
the town itself.”, <<Star restarts her account>> “We never got very far in the town’s
homes. Ticky Tacky University was the closest we came to success. Notnek and his herd
had taken over City Hall and most of Downtown. It seems that when Notnek, NoThing
one, NoThing two and Curtis went to confront the original Horde members in the Battle
of the ‘Football ‘Merican’ Style!!! Stadium, that Notnek and one of the Horde leaders kind
of merged while we all were calming down the citizens on the other side of the wall.
Then Notnek and his new herd escaped the stadium in the trucks out back and promptly
set about planning the reorganization via takeover of Normal Towne. Notnek used a
combination of guerrilla warfare and political campaigning, and he had control of
Normal Towne by nightfall of the day you guys left town. Everyone works for Notnek
now, or you can leave town; by train or in a pine box.”, says Star.
“That sounds like the good old Boss I remember. Say, anyone down for some
Tumbleweed Stew before we go kill Notnek?”, you say.
<<the Friends look at each other in turn. no one wants to be the first to disagree or
follow along with your madness. until Jaybee volunteers:>> “I sure could go for a
bowl of soup on a day like this, with a side of murder of course.”
<<the Friends invade a dentist office waiting room and kick out the humans and
zombies that are seeking dental care. the Friends then go to working like house
elves; rearranging the lobby and turning it into a makeshift soup kitchen. after
setting up Jaybee’s Hobo Stove and brewing a large pot of tea; the Friends invite the
would-be patients back into the waiting room to share in some of the tea and
upcoming soup. the patients and dentist office staff are grateful for the lack of
blood shed. Jaybee gives the assembled audience a lesson on how to prepare and
cook: Green Chili Red Pepper Tumbleweed Stew:>> “Well hello my beautiful friends.
you all are looking very well and hungry. Soup is the best thing to eat before your trip to
the dentist. And as I am chopping up this Tumbleweed, this onion and these red bell
peppers, I have been informed by my lovely Dental assistant Jody, that we have a treat
for you. The office here has a brand new Ninchoppa brand vegetable blender. So the
soup will be creamy goodness for your soul. Now doesn’t that sound nice? Let’s add a
large tomato to the mix. Now we will sauté the blended vegetables and dice some garlic
and basil to simmer in there as well. Let’s salt and pepper to taste. I’d throw some salt
over my shoulder for luck, but I think we all need salt these days more than luck. Am I
right audience?”, says Jaybee.
<<the cows and humans and friends all applaud. Jaybee’s enthusiasm has brought
the room to its feet. everyone has soup bowls or cups of some sort. it was a day
that will live forever in the halls of dental history: the day of the Homeless Ninja’s
Dental Soup Kitchen.>>
“You know your buddy with the rabbit ear is still pretty hot even after her mutation. Or
whatever.”, Tony says.
<<the Friends and dentist office staff has paired off and everyone is mingling and
enjoying conversation with their soup. Tony has decided to try and make peace
with you after screaming at you and calling you names back at his truck.>>
“Yes, the zombie apocalypse has only added to Dasha’s stunning beauty.”, you say.
“Well, don’t go over board miss Finnegan; I still think you’re the prettiest crazy woman
in Normal Towne.”, Tony says.
<<Tony puts his soup bowl down and puts his arm on your leather jacket covered
shoulder. you put you soup cup down and cup Tony’s chin in you left hand. the
light from the Hobo Stove fire shines in your eyes>>
“Do you always call a girl crazy and tell her how attractive her friends are before you hit
on her Tony? Or am I just special?”, you ask.
<<you let go of Tony’s face and grab you bowl of soup and turn away. you walk past
Jaybee and slap him on his ass. Jaybee jumps and walks over to Tony. Tony is real
quiet. he seeks to warm his cold confused male brain with the light of the fire.
Jaybee senses his confusion>>
“Momma always said to watch out for girls who do stuff just to mess with yer head.”,
says Jaybee. <<he starts to breakdown and wash his mobile kitchen>>
“Does Momma know where a man can find woman who don’t do stuff to mess his
head?”, Tony the Meat Guy asks. <<throwing his hands up in exasperation>>
“Of course, she took all those nice women up to heaven with her.”, Jaybee says. <<a cook
with a smile, Jaybee offers advice and puts away the last of his kitchen>>
<<a tornado siren blares from the next street over>>
“That is how Notnek summons the towns folk to hear him speak live at City Hall”, Star
<<you walk to the front of the dentist office with a styrofoam cup of wine in your
hand. you raise your beverage and then your voice, to compete with the tornado
siren:>> “You all hear the Boss calling. Lets go tell him that we don’t see our asses
coming in to work today.”, you say.
<<the Friends stumble on over to City Hall field by wine, curiosity and ofcourse of
course the Tumbleweed Stew>>
You do make life sound a story. I like a good story.
<<heres a good story, how West ‘Merica’ got over run by the Tumbleweed. there was
once a group of human immigrants who were kicked out of the Eurasian country
they had moved to after the destruction of their mother land, another Eurasian
country. this was during the first world wars that have been remembered. West
‘Merica’ felt bad for helping in the destruction of these immigrants’ homelands.
West ‘Merica’ decided to make it better for the immigrants by giving them land here
in West ‘Merica’. unfortunately this land was currently occupied by Native West
‘Mericans’. these Native West ‘Mericans’, who called themselves “N.W.A.’s” for
some reason, were the original inhabitants of the continent of West ‘Merica’; before
the current peoples calling themselves West ‘Merican’s were here. so the ‘Merican’
government gives the displaced Eurasian immigrants some land here in the
Oklahellmouth. the N.W.A.’s mostly left the new West ‘Merican’s alone. the new
West ‘Mericans’ mostly left the N.W.A.’s alone. occasionally the two groups would
poke each other with sticks just to make sure that each side remembered that they
had differences that each should be suspicious and mad about. after the
immigrants had properly settled in with the other new West ‘Mericans’ they all set
about tearing up the top soil across the Oklahellmouth land. the new West
‘Mericans’ destroyed the land not for fun or for sustenance but just for profit. the
immigrants did not see this newly stolen land as home, but instead as a place to
extract resources for profit. these humans intended to use this land to raise the
capitol needed to buy back their homeland from the infidels who stole it from
them. because the universe loves irony, the displaced N.W.A.’s intended to do the
same thing to the new West ‘Merican’ immigrants. mother nature had other plans
for the humans and the land they fought over>>
<<the Earth’s wind moves strongly over the Oklahellmouth. coming in from the
coast, the breeze started to carry away the top soil loosened by the West ‘Merican’
cash crops. drought left the land dry and brittle and more and more top soil was
carried away. the wind would spin the bits of ground around and around in the sky
and thrown it back down at the humans. the humans struggled to breathe and the
land struggled to grow plants. with out proper plant covering more land was
carried away by the invisible wind force. with out plants to eat, the animals that
humans wanted to eat died. the humans underwent hard times>>
<<the flat lands in the areas surrounding Oklahellmouth City were hit the hardest
by the drought and the airborne dirt that became known as the Dust Bowl. the only
plants strong enough to survive the harsh winds and subsequent droughts long
enough to grow were the tumble weed plants. these plant came to West ‘Merica’ as
stow aways; tucked away in the folds and crevices of the immigrants’ blankets and
other fabric belongings such as extra clothing. the plant life of the homeland of
these people hitched a ride and started new life here in West ‘Merica’. the new
West ‘Mericans’ who did not run away from the Oklahellmouth or die from
breathing dirt or starvation were forced to learn how to eat the unappetizing
tumbleweeds that blew across the land day in and day out. it became their main
food source. kind of like humans are my main food source. the dust storms killed
not only in the central Oklahellmouth, but brought the dirt all the way to the
coastal cities of the nation. ground regularly rained from the sky. death from
above. times got so tough that the West ‘Merican’ Government had to step up and
impose a massive regrowth campaign to plant trees and grassland back in the
Oklahellmouth. the illuminati saved the humans of West ‘Merica’ for the time
being. but the way i see it Finnegan, the Tumbleweed shall inherit whatever is left
on this earth after i consume all that i can. the end>>
What a lovely story…
<<thank you Finnegan, it is my favorite bed time story>>
Really? That’s great. I feel like we’ve really bonded.
<<oh we have bonded Finnegan>>
I hate you. Get back to my story Virus.
<<laughter. ok, moo-ving on. your group of five, the Friends, travels toward City
Hall. you become ten humans, and then twenty. there are dozens of Normal
Townesfolk and Cowfolk that emerge from various hidey holes scattered
throughout Normal Towne. you near City hall and see Notnek at a podium in front
of the classical style building. white stone imitating Greco-Roman architecture,
blah blah. humans are special and creative building builders. good for you all. i do
not care for buildings. i lie exploring bodies. you turn to Dasha and Star and say:>>
“Is Notnek wearing make up? He sure looks like he had some plastic surgery done since
<<you think that Notnek/Zombie Cow looks younger than he did when he kicked
your ass and killed Hopskotch back at the Red Barn. it is hard to hear your own
thoughts right now; much less the words of response Dasha and Star offer. there
are currently so many people talking on the crowd that is growing in front of
Normal Towne City Hall. those of you who share the blood or cells of the Horde are
also constantly being pulled (mentally) into different thought conversations. when
i feel the confusion is just too much for me too stand, Notnek’s words erupt from
several speakers surrounding the podium. Notnek’s noise overpowers the rest of
Dyin Read’s Space Pirate Slave Fights
<<Notnek and Hopskotch go off on an adventure with Bat Max and Mack TruckYeah.
they are all forced to fight other slaves on space ship, home to a traveling gladiator
reality show. Bat Max used to call himself Fat before he was mauled by a zombie
deer, since surviving that he felt the need to upgrade his name to a more superhero
sounding title. Ergo Bat Max was born from the bad tempered shit bandit of the
Oklahellmouth. Mack TruckYeah is an escape convict and the loan survivor of the
first outbreak of Me (the Virus, Duh?!) The two have been battling in Dyin Read’s
Pirate slave fights ever since the outbreak on current dimension earth>>
<<Pirate slave fights under the leadership of Dyin Read, a group of
illuminati economists used public funds provided by the endowment for the
National Pentagon Radio to purchase a space ship and a crew headed by Pirate Paul
and the space hobos to kidnap and/or bribe fighters from every dimension into
becoming combatants in the Pirate slave fights. the winners of the fights get to go
free or join the illuminati’s private armies. not any easy decision. the free life
means always knowing that you are being watched and possibly becoming a pawn
in some other illuminati scheme. joining the armies means financial security.
health care, housing, a steady income and regular meals, not just for the fighter,
but for some of the fighter’s immediate family unit as well. so after fighting for
their life, most combatants join the illuminati, or the horde, or the ‘Merican’
military, or whoever the Pirate Space Hobo’s are recruiting for on that given day in
that given dimension. Pirate Paul recognizes Hopskotch and Notnek from his home
time space in Normal Towne. Pirate Paul frees the two humans from his former
time and dimension of residence out of nostalgia for an age that has passed Paul by.
continuing on in his government/illuminati sponsored work, Pirate Paul sends Mack
TruckYeah and Bat Max to fight to the death. Pirate Paul offers Bat and Mack a
week of drinking and training with the other would-be soldier combatants before
they start fighting.
During all of this Hopskotch speaks out against the forced fighting. Notnek tries to
quiet Hopskotch, but he pesters Pirate Paul about his profession long enough
where Pirate Paul decides to have Hopskotch Sunday frozen. Hopskotch Sunday is
frozen in an ice cold nano-bot chemical gel. it climbs up his legs and seeps in his
pores. Hopskotch Sunday screams as he becomes a living statue. everyone in the
space ship is quiet after Pirate Paul immobilizes Hopskotch Sunday.>>
“I try to be nice, but this work must be done; or I won’t be around anymore to be nice to
anyone.”, says Pirate Paul.
<<pirate Paul’s Hobo comrades nod and grumble agreements. Notnek holds up his
hands and says,>> “Hey, I totally like your style. Kill ‘em with kindness. Just kill them.
Am I right?”, says Notnek
“Don’t make me freeze you too ass clown. Hobos, send these two humans back to earth.
They have a meeting to attend at the Normal Towne City Hall, I believe.”, says Pirate
<<the Space Pirate Ship steers around a giant spider weaving a web in space and
heads back toward the Milky Way and to Earth. Notnek and Hopskotch Sunday are
teleported off the space ship into the women’s restroom of Normal Towne City
Letters to Shilo
From Unkle Bill W BobChange
Sandfires. Man it would be great to drink and to write. Reward. Dog Treat. Destination: Failure. From HERE on OUT, it’s all Purple Skies and Nipple Mountains.
<<For your safety this section of Unkle Bill and Shilo’s correspondence has been censored by the Moofon Department of Bovine Judgement>>
I think that I am controlled by the moon cycle. Instructed by hormones in the water. I am ruled by my sugar cravings.
Love and wordy words,
<<Finnegan, your mind always wanders when we talk. it is like you always want to
be going somewhere else. is here and now never good enough for you Finnegan? i
am walking along the corridors of your mind with you and you look at me wide
eyed as if you are listening to my every word. absorbing information like plants
photosynthesize sunlight. but in reality when i talk of Dasha and her new friend
Jaybee, and when Unkle Bill interrupts, i find you have hidden you conscious away
in a closeted part of your mind. you are performing magick spells like some
nineteenth century witch or politician. i cannot believe we hang out together
Right. Sorry. So I needed to check on my son. Baby Thor is with two of Ruben’s fathers
men. I have been viewing them. I gathered that the two mid level goons have taken my
son and my husband to Kaliphonia. There is a not so secret secret society there that I
used to protest in my paintings. I joked once that Ruben’s father was probably one of the
rich people that belonged to the evil magic world ruler club out there in the Brohemian
Grove. Ruben didn’t laugh and stopped talking to me for the rest of the day.
I am just guessing that the two goons, “the brothers” and Yukio and Zukio or IshiZuka
I’ve heard them called, have taken my family to Kaliphonia, the home of the Brohemian
Grove; because the surroundings don’t look like McCow Towne or Normal Towne or
Oklahellmouth City. I viewed Baby Thor riding in a shiny tiny car with the two brothers.
The larger one, IshiZuka or Zukio as his brother calls him, was playing peek a boo with
Baby Thor in the back seat.
Yukio and IshiZuka are walking Baby Thor through a school room. Thor he looks good.
He seems happy. He…
<<well that is nice. we now return to the blossoming friendship between Dasha
Rabbit Ear and Jaybee the Homeless Ninja>>
“Bloody Hell. This guy is trying to get me killed. “, mutters Dasha.
<<Dasha follows Jaybee into a small liquor store located in a run down strip mall on
one of the more lively parts of downtown Oklahellmouth City. this run down strip
mall is similar to many of the run down small business graveyards scattered across
the Oklahellmouth, a time capsule of capitalism in decay. Dasha is not afraid of
dying from alcohol poisoning. she was actually relieved that Jaybee the Homeless
Ninja suggested that they get a bottle of something to drink from the store. this
seemed safer in theory than sitting at some bar or café, where one was at the mercy
of whatever walked or crawled out of the establishment’s kitchen>>
<<no, Dasha was not concerned about drinking out of a bottle wrapped in a brown
paper bag in public with a homeless guy she just met in a dumpster in an alley.
Dasha was concerned about the large two headed zombie cowman standing behind
the counter at the liquor store. the cowman, apparently named Casey, was selling a
bottle of pinot noir to an elderly man in a tweed jacket>>
“Thank you Casey, you’re a good boy. Let me know if you get any more Jesus Juice from
Kaliphonia in later this week.”, says the old man in tweed.
“Sure thing Mr. Steppenollapus. You give it to the missus good after you two polish of
that bottle, you old freak.”, says Casey the Booze Merchant.
<<the old man laughs and hold the bottle up in front of his crotch and thrusts his
hips back and forth, fornicating in mid-air.>>
“So there is a cowman selling liquor here.”, Dasha asks Jaybee.
“Yup.”, says Jaybee. <<Dasha warily follows Jaybee. He walks toward the whiskey
“And you are on a first name basis with this zombie cow?”, Dasha says.
<<almost an accusation!!>>
“Yup. Thought you might get a kick out of this. He’s actually a hell of a guy.”, says Jaybee.
<<Dasha’s new friend says this whilst continuingg to shop. he picks up a bottle of
rotgut whiskey and holds it up to the ceiling lights>>
“Oh, I am sure he is.”, Dasha says.
<<Dasha does not take her eyes off of the cowman behind the counter. she slides a
knife from her belt and palms it with the blade slid up her sleeve. Jaybee the
Homeless Ninja notices Dasha arming herself and replaces the rotgut whiskey back
on the shelf and grabs a slightly less toxic bottle of scotch>>
“There’s no need for that Love. Casey used to work with me long ago back in Normal
Towne. He and I used to hangout and discuss world wide conspiracy theories. That was
back before he was half cow of course. He moved to the city and went from working at,
to owning this liquor store. Bought it from the owner he did. And that other owner was
a no good drunk. Casey made this place respectable, profitable even. Takes care of his
regulars, he does. But then the apocalypse came along and a cow came in here and tried
to eat him. Casey keeps a gun and a butcher knife under the counter there, so he was
able to defend himself against the beast. It seems the two got the best of each other and
now they are both half owners of the store. Ha ha ha ha ha!”, says Jaybee the Homeless
<<Jaybee jokes on his way up to the counter. Dasha follows hesitantly. Casey hears
Jaybee’s laughter and looks up from a book he is reading. with his human head>>
“Are you telling this nice lady with the rabbit ear that same old fucking joke about me
and this bag of udders ‘co-owning’ the store?”, asks Casey the Booze Merchant.
<<Casey talks to Jaybee and Dasha calms down and comes to see the differences
betweenn Notnek zombie cowman and Casey zombie cowman. Jaybee and Dasha
trade swigs of scotch and stories of what brought each of them to the city. the two
are waiting for a train to Normal Towne. Jaybee and Dasha are sitting in a pair of
green, plush recliners that Jaybee rescued from the front curb of some house
nearby. Jaybee refers to the reclamation of discarded human property as, “Sanford
and Son-ing”, for some reason. Dasha and Jaybee are posted up in an alley behind a
restaurant across the street from the trainstation. the pair of humans picked this
restaurant to hide and wait for the train behind because the restaurant has a sign
posted in the front window claiming that “We are out of Meat. Sorry”>>
“Lost your entire Zombie Killing Crew, huh?”, asks Jaybee.
“And my ear.”, says Dasha.
“I feel ya. I lost quite a bit when I left Normal Towne too bud.”, says Jaybee.
<<the two lonely humans tell each other their stories, like lonely humans do.
Jaybee brings up that he was once a kitchen manager in Normal Towne, and that
he’d be happy to accompany Dasha back there to see what has become of his old
hometown and his old place of employment. Dasha grabs the dwindling bottle of
liquid friendship from Jaybee>>
“I would greatly appreciate your company my drunken friend; as the trains are not
exactly as safe as I would like them to be.”, says Dasha.
“Yeah, I read that somewhere. Hey, letsss go back to Casey’s. I need to pick up another
bottle for the train ride.”, says Jaybee.
“You remind me of my buddy Finnegan. She drinks the same brand of rotgut booze that
you first picked up back there. It must be a kitchen manager thing.”, Dasha rationalizes.
<<at that moment a meat truck pulls up to the back door of the restaurant that
begged forgiveness for their lack of meat. with a sense of urgency, the driver exits
the truck and orders his passenger to: “Get the fuck out of this truck!” Finnegan,
you stumble out of the cab looking dazed and confused. you look like you lost all of
your friends in the world>>
“I swear to you man. Zombies. I’m not fucking with you man. Zombie Cows!”, you say.
<<Tony the Meat Guy is not having it>>
<<Dasha and Jaybee, who are finishing their drinking and laughing notice two
<<the two new drinking buddies both agree to go interact with the former
occupants of the truck. Dasha approaches you, who have begun the short stumble
out of the alley. Jaybee tries to speak with the meat truck driver. Tony is struggling
to unload several cases of meat from the back of his truck>>
“Hey pretty lady! Looking for a good time?”, Dasha asks you.
<<you look up with rage and recognition mixed in your drunken mind>>
“Fu… Dasha? Oh shit! Dasha! Hey buddy!”, you say.
<<you and your friend rush to embrace each other. baffled that the other is still
“Would you two ladies join me back over at the meat truck and provide a bit of
assistance?”, hollers Jaybee.
<<Tony the Meat Guy is swinging his clip board at Jaybee, and insisting for Jaybee
to:>> “Get your crazy, homeless ass away from me. I’m done talking to lunatics today!!”,
says Tony the Meat Guy.
<<Tony then sees Dasha and you approaching the truck. Tony looks back at Jaybee
and says:>> “I should have known you were this nut job. Whatever dungeons and
dragons magic game you and your lady friends are playing, take it somewhere else.
Okay bud? I am trying to Adult here! Somebody has to make sure the restaurants have
meat to serve to people. We can’t all be chasing imaginary monsters around with our
MyPhones. Damn!”, says Tony the Meat Guy.
<<Tony takes another half hearted swing at Jaybee and then starts pulling his dolly,
loaded with boxes of Me, toward the back door of the restaurant. the dolly hits a
hole in the broken parking lot pavement and one of the MEat boxes bounces open.
a hamburger monster jumps out and starts to attack Tony the Meat Truck driver
with sharp teeth and irony. Jaybee rushes to his Hobo Pack for his sword and you
and Dasha rush directly to Tony’s aid. more hamburger monsters jump from the
boxes of MEat>>>
&&&image of Dasha pulling hamburger monster off tony and jaybee rushing with a sword.&&
“That was fucked up.”, says Tony the Meat Guy.
“And then you said,’Okay lady you win. Call off your hamburger.’ I about lost my shit
and stopped hacking the damn things.”, says Jaybee the Homeless Ninja.
“Yeah, I though you were gonna drop your sword.”, says Dasha.
“I can’t believe you have the word ‘Vagina’ written on your sword holster.”, you say.
“It’s called a sheathe. It is the protective covering for and the favorite place of my poking
stick. It makes sense if you think about it.”, says Jaybee the horny Homeless Ninja.
“Oh I get it bud. I am just not amused.”, you say.
<<the four of you sit together on the train to Normal Towne, taking swigs from
Jaybee’s bottle. your shoes and those of your three friends all drip into a collective
puddle of zombie blood that is growing on the floor of the train. the other
passengers look away. their minds are out of the windows>>
&&&one page image of continent of oklahellmouth&&&
&&&close up image of train traveling across oklahellmouth map. OKHMC to Normal Towne&&
&&& close up image of Kaliphonia desert area and brohemeain grove&&
<<Ace L’Argent du Sang moves the hand carved dolls across his desk. covering the
desk is a laminated picture of West ‘Merica’. Ace looks out of the doorway of his
office; he sees his grandson running back and forth from room to room, in and out
of the other offices on this floor. occasionally Ace sees Yukio or Zukio chasing after
the child. there is often the sight of Doctor Limothy talking at and walking after
Doctor Ruben. Aces son, the Doctor Ruben. medical doctor, son of a witch doctor.
a practitioner of the mystic arts producing a practitioner of the surgical arts. there
was a time when Ace would have..>>
I don’t care what Ace the rich and powerful would have done or who else is running
through the hallways of the Neverland Ranch. I want to see what Baby Thor is doing. I
need to be with him!!
<<fine Finnegan. if you cannot follow the narrative and see the beauty of the story
all coming together than fine. lets move back to your part in it>>
Well no go ahead. tell me about the time Ace would have whatever. I am listening.
where are they exactly? What the hell is going on?
<<no your right. let us get back to where things are going with you and your rag tag
group of spunky do gooders, who have returned to Normal Towne. right after I
make your drunkenness listen to this guy’s drunkenness>>
Letters to Shilo
From Unkle Bill W BobChange
I found God. I know, funny coming from me. Right? But it is true, I found Kombucha.
There is a magical elixir that one can purchase or make oneself, that cures the sickness
brought about by the poison.
I met Günther W. Frank last month, when I was hanging out at the illuminati summer
retreat in Bükk National Park. We were a couple hours hike north of Eger, HungGary.
Mister Frank told me about his work with the Russian military in developing a secret
formula to heal the human body from damage to the organs brought about by the demon
alcohol. Since before East ‘Merica’ was East ‘Merica’, the Russian people have been
characterized as heavy consumers of liquor. I think that is a bit misleading. The
Russians that I have been lucky enough to drink with always offer me their extra shots.
But either way, Mister Frank found the most effective cure and preventative medicine
for alcoholism is an ancient folk brew of fermenting tea. A mushroom looking bacteria
of a helpful nature is let loose to grow in a newsy brewed batch of tea. A few cups of
sugar are added to the friendly bacteria tea and the potion is left covered in a dark cool
area for seven days or so. The resulting beverage is delicious and rapidly acquires
additional strength. Some may wish to consume the tea before it becomes too strong.
The earlier in the fermenting process the more sweetness the beverage has. The longer
you let it brew, the more sugar is consumed by the bacteria. The beverage becomes less
sweet, but more powerful in its healing capabilities.
Well enough of that lecture for now. I will have more to say on the cure for cancer soon.
I leave you with a poem by the great Pirate Paul,
The Endless say say say, I can’t hear what you say. Murder in the red barn. Buddy moon
keep walking, I am the breathing champion.
Love and Taco Trucks,