68 Farmers vs Hunters Insurance

”There are many ways to get to the top: Hard work, Persistence, Personal Faith, or

just pushing everyone down who stands in your way.”

– A Friendless, yet Successful Person

 

Farmers vs Hunters Insurance

 

<<in the kitchen of the Bucket o’ Blood in the year 4325, there is a Cook and a

Dishwasher and a Boss and a Free Dave.  they are all drinking and standing around

the back room of the kitchen carrying on at least five different converations all at

once.  Free Dave speaks the loudest for the longest.  his voice echoes very efficiently

off of the Black Metal Black Door of the Bucket o’ Blood>>

 

“Junior, there once was a corn farmer who had a whole mess of wild pigs who would

sneak into his field at night and eat up all his corn.  He tried everything to save his crop

but nothing he could devise would keep the pigs out of his field, and so the Farmer lost

that which he tried so hard to protect.  

He was sad.  Then one day a hunter stopped by the farm to trade animal pelts for

grain for his horse.  The Farmer said he didn’t have grain enough to spare due to a

sounder of swine which had plagued him to no end.  The Hunter listened quietly to the

Farmer’s tale and then proclaimed that he could single handedly rid the Farmer of the

heard of swine without firing a shot.  The Farmer

of course doubted the stranger’s words but reluctantly agreed to feed

the Hunter and his horse if the Hunter holds up his end of the bargain.

The Hunter says it will take thirty days and thirty bags of corn.  

The Farmer consents.  The first day the Hunter walks out in front of

the corn field and cuts open a bag of corn twenty feet away from the

growing plants.  Later that day a lone pig wanders out of the field

of corn stalks and eats the processed corn laying on the ground.  The

Hunter walks out and puts up a piece of fencing between the corn field

and the dining swine.  The next day the Hunter goes out and

cuts another bag of corn open and leaves it out for hungry pigs to

find, and find it they do.  Two pigs wander out of the field and eat

up the bag of corn.  The Hunter puts up another piece of fencing.

This continues the third day and the forth.  The Hunter leaves out a

bag of corn and more pigs show up every day to eat it and watch the

hunter build his fence.  Now, Junior, around the tenth day there are

quite a few pigs eating the Farmer’s corn and the Hunter hasn’t

killed a single one of them.  ’Shoot them!!  They are right there

eating my corn, easy to kill!’, bellows the Farmer.  But the Hunter

reminds the Farmer that he would kill all of the wild pigs without

firing a single shot.  The Farmer reluctantly resigns to let the

Hunter’s game play out.  Another day, another bag of corn.  More

pigs, more pieces of fencing.  At the thirty day there are a hundred

hungry pigs eating the bag of corn and the Hunter walks up and puts

the final piece of fencing in.  This last piece has enclosed the pigs

in a large holding pen.  The pigs are now trapped in the Hunter’s

game.  The Hunter thanks the Farmer for feeding him and his horse and

turns to take his leave.  The Farmer declares that the Hunter failed

and did not kill any pigs, for they are all very much alive and

staring out from their prison.  ‘Why don’t you kill them?’, asks the

Farmer.  ‘Why bother?  They will soon run out of corn and eat each

other.’ <<Free Dave stops his tale and puts his hand on your leather jacketed

shoulder>>  And Junior that’s all we’ve been doing to each other for the

past four thousand years, just sitting around in our cages eating

one another.”, says Free Dave.

 

“What the fuck are you talking about Free Dave?”, you ask.  <<you hang up your black

leather jacket on the equally battered rack of kitchen containers>>

 

&&image of Notnek, finn, hop and free in back room&&

 

“We eat fine food and we drink fine drink.  Enjoying the many gifts this world has to

offer us.  Also, if one is as lucky as me, we take enjoyment in watching our enemy

prepare our feasts for us in our little traps.  We are only as free as we feel Finnegan.  

Free Dave and I just feel you and Hop-a-long should work faster, Wage Slaves.”, says

Notnek.

 

<<the Boss and the Free Dave go out back and smoke the Boss’s cigarettes while you

and Hopskotch prepare the kitchen for the lunch rush.  since the Ghost of the

Reverend Duff, Mostly High, does not clean the dining room, you and Hopskotch

and the Waitresses all clean sections of the dining area in addition to your regular

opening duties.  this build unit cohesion.  or the opportunity for you to score more

alcoholic beverages for doing the Bartender’s janitorial work.  Rickie Torch walks

in the front barn door as you mop up behind the bar and down two shots of a sickly

sweet whiskey.  after two thousand years, Rickie Torch still creeps you out.  Torch is

not a Zombie Cow.  not even a zombie cow human slave.  Torch does not look any

different than he did two thousand years of hamburgers ago>>

 

‘Junior, lets get this order put up.  Okay?  Today damnit.”, says Notnek.

 

“You got it Boss.”, you say.

 

“No, you got it Junior.  I’ve got to go write all of the ten specials on the board out front.  

Tell me we’re not out of chutney?”, says Notnek.

 

“Hey Chief, lets talk about that new meat I was bringing you while I’ve got you two

here.”, says Rickie Torch.

 

<<Torch steps up between you and Notnek and holds up a box with the words,

“Beyond Human” printed in blood red on it.>>

 

“This is that company that has been on the Evening News with Knowone Stevens, isn’t it?  

They are doing some sort of research into nonhuman meat that tastes like human meat

to the average cowman.”, says Notek.

 

“That’s right!  Beyond Human.  It’s so good your customers won’t even know it’s not

human!”, says Rickie Torch.

 

“Did you just…nevermind.”, you say.

 

“Hold on here Torch, you remember what happened last time I let you talk me into

trying you fancy science project meat?”, says Notnek.

 

<<your evil Boss in this Future grabs his udders and raises both of his faces to the

sky and laughs out loud.  Rickie Torch quickly silences Notnek when he tells him the

price of the new meat.  ten cents on the dollar of the price of human meat per

pound.  the Horde Government has taken over the processing and distribution of

human meat.  it is heavily regulated.  but you have heard that Dump Co. Meat

Company is not very selective of what species meat it produces>>

 

“Junior mix this shit in with the regular human meat we got and see if my Buddies, I

mean the Customers, will eat it.  Today Damnit!!”, says Notnek.

 

<<Hopskotch Sunday has finished stocking the salad line and is now washing the

morning prep work dishes in the tai-sink area of the kitchen.  you walk by the stove

and stir the various soups, sides and sauces that simmer and stew whilst carrying

loads of meats and breaded body parts to be fried and fed to the Horde’s grueling

masses during the lunch rush of consumers.  after hours of prep work, it is almost

time to open the front barn doors of the Bucket o’ Blood.  you’ve Hopskotch a high

five and the two of you slink out the back patio for a head change.  never forget,>>  

 

“Mindless self indulgence is the Whole of the Law.”, you say.

 

“I thought it was ‘Do what thou will’ is the whole of the law.”, says Hopskotch.

 

<<the Black Metal Black Door closes behind Hopskotch Sunday>>

 

“Well the law is all an elaborate illuminati plot anyway.”, you say.

 

“I know that’s right.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.

 

<<you both laugh.  you walk past the patio chairs where you normally sit and cry  at

a green metal patio table that sits between the walk-in cooler’s outside wall and the

back gate of the Bucket o’ Blood.  the Waitresses start to trickle in through the front

and rear of the restaurant depending upon their level of hangover.  you make jokes

with them as they pass and slap one on her tail.  you and Hopskotch walk to the

center of the parking lot and start to play hockey sack with a lime from the walk

in>>

 

“I like that positive attitude Finnegan.  I have been afraid to talk to you since we got here.  

How drunk are you?”, Hopskotch Sunday says.

 

 

 

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