53 Murder in the Red Barn

“The King of Michigan, who was at war simultaneously with the Great Lakes pirates and the Duke of Oklahoma.   There was one strapping young man, I remember, a blacksmith, in fact, who told the meeting, ‘Send me.  There’s nothing I’d rather do than kill me some Sooners’……  “Sooners” were people from Oklahoma, and by extension, anybody in service of the Duke of Oklahoma, which included “Show Me’s” from Missouri and “Jayhawkers” from Kansas and “Hawkeyes” from Iowa, and on and on.  The blacksmith was told that “Sooners” were human beings, too, no better or worse than “Hoosiers”, who were people from Indiana.

And the old man who had moved for me to speak later on got up and said this: “Young man, you’re no better than the Albanian influenza or The Green Death, if you can kill for joy.”

Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick 1976


Murder in the Red Barn


<<the Cook and the Dishwasher and an upside down car.  oh look Future Notnek the

zombie cow king.  Hopskotch, the current breathing champion of the two of you, is

pinned by the upside down car, his left arm halfway outside the broken open

window.  Notnek is hugging your dashboard and hanging upside down.  the car is

lying on Hopskotch’s side.  you unbuckle yourself and climb out of your broken

open window.  Notnek and Hopskotch are both unconscious.  after you get out of the

Pre-Us you observe your surroundings.  you are in a barn with red walls that is

filled with tools and farm vehicles.  Hopskotch wakes up and starts screaming in



“My arm!  Fuck, my arm!!”, says Hopskotch Sunday.


<<Notnek wakes up too>>


I’ll give you something to scream about Dishwasher”, says Future Notnek.


<<you see the monster from the future moving around in the upside down car and

see him pulling Hopskotch free of his pinned arm.  you grab the closest sharp thing

near you.  a pitch fork.  you run to the car and start ramming the pitch fork into

Notnek’s back.  on the second ramming attack you strike your former employer so

hard it rocks the car up off of Hopskotch’s pinned arm.  you can see that his is

almost completely torn off of Hopskotch’s shoulder…as the car comes slamming

back down upon it.  there.  now the arm is completely separated from Hopskotch

Sunday.  Hopskotch screams in pain.  the arm is a free agent now.  Notnek howls

with laughter.  in a rage you walk around to the opposite side of with car and roll

and flip it back up onto the tires.  Hopskotch and Notnek look in amazement at your

adrenaline, alcohol and rage contorted face.  you are gasping for breath from all

the exertion.  one armed Hopskotch recovers first and  hits the gas pedal and drives

the Pre-Us through the red barn walls.  Hopskotch swerves in and out of the shed

pummeling Notnek with wall after wall.  Hopskotch holds his detached left arm in

his right hand and waves at you with his limp left hand.  you watch as you friend

drives off with the future leader of the Horde cursing at him from the hood of the

car.  Here, Notnek is pinned down by metal fence rails that pierce his flesh and

lodge into the hood itself.  you watch Hopskotch drive the Pre-us with a Notnek

hood ornament up the road that leads away from the red barn.  you spend a few

seconds trying to figure out what to do and then you hear the call of a car crash, it is

kinda like a beer can crushing noise but amplified a lot.  then you hear an

explosion.  you run around the corner to see an over turned fuel truck on it’s side

and in flames.  in the flames you see the rear end of a Pre-us.  then you find yourself

alone and sick again.  the sun is starting care less and less about today>>





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