66 Business Case Study of the B.o.B. of the Future

“Aside from battles, the history of nations seemed to consist of nothing but powerless old

poops…………heavily medicated and vaguely beloved in the long ago, coming to kiss the

boots of young psychopaths.”

– Kurt Vonnegut, Slapstick 1976

 

Business Case Study of the B.o.B. of the Future

 

<<let us just jump into things.  you and Hopskotch were kidnapped by a giant spider

and taken to an alternate dimension or the future or something like that.  and well

Notnek is still a jerk.  free dave still isn’t working on anything other than a smoke

break.  the waitresses all still flirt with you and bring you heavily liquored drinks.  

you still don’t have your son.  Finnegan, you are pretty certain that Baby Thor is no

longer a baby.  gAberaham and Dyin tell future you that Thor has left this

dimension.  you have been in the 44th century for a month of Sundays not yet seen

Hopskotch Sunday!>>

 

What?!  What are you blathering on about?  I am not in the future.  I am in hell.  I cannot

begin to summarize what the past month has been like.  But I am working for a zombie

cow Notnek at a zombie cow Bucket o’ Blood and my only comfort has been the demon

alcohol and zombie cow comedian in a Darth Vader mask.  Until yesterday when the new

dishwasher showed up at work; and it was Hopskotch…

 

<<i know.  i watched you go the big soft rubbery one>>

 

“Hey Finnegan.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.

 

<<Hopskotch Sunday is standing in the back kitchen, just inside the Black Metal

Back Door of the B.o.B.  you drop the plate of food you are handing to a waitress.  

your mouth opens but no words come out.  that is a first.  Hopskotch Sunday no

longer has his head full of dreadlocks.  his head has been shaved and the number

319 has been tattooed on the side of his head.  the ink work looks familiar.  Notnek

barges into the kitchen and screams>>

“Junior!!  Why in the hell are we out of Chutney?!”, asks Notnek.

 

<<you and Hopskotch do not get to talk much until after the dinner rush.  out back

over a couple drinks from the bar, you try to speak to Hopskotch over the sound of

Free Dave asking the Waitress to help him make some fuck>>

 

“So much of the land of this world has been blown up or fallen into the sea since the

Horde took them helm of ‘Merica’ that what the rising oceans didn’t swallow has turned

into overgrown jungle or trodden pasture.  the Horde set aside vast tracks of land for

seemingly uninfected cows to roam free, grazing on the fields of ever growing green

grass.  The Human population is kept at a minimum for feeding upon of for wage slave

labor.  The Cows in Charge thought that it was a fitting punishment to let humans keep

their day jobs.  The illuminati takes out whole cities of cows or humans if they think that

it is getting too big.”, you say.

 

“Or too powerful.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.

 

<<it is a bright sunny day in the Oklahellmouth in the year 4325.  the City of

Oklahellmouth is the last remaining city still standing on the West ‘Merican’

continent.  well it is the only other than whatever is going on down at the Farm

anyway.  you know Finnegan, a real live functioning, bustling, mass transportation

offering, cubical jockeying, quote unquote unskilled laborer (cooking), police

patrolling, pollster polling, vote tampering, over

crowding…ing city.  the birds are taller than what passes for trees here.  you and

Hopskotch dodge a big bird stomping through the parking lot and stumble toward

the back patio and the Black Metal Back Door of the Bucket o’ Blood.  

 

&&image of a 50’ pigeon with Hop and Finn in between the legs&&

 

<<forever and always, Notnek and his Horde buddies are sitting up at the bar and

laughing over drinks.  they occasionally take a glimpse at the sports games on the

many float television screens floating around the bar.  watching television too long

makes a person look like a paranoid schizophrenic.  i consider viruses and humans

and cowmans and televisions and the like to all mingle in the person category now.  

unfortunately in the year 4325 the televisions have even less personality than the

flat screens of yesteryear.  these days the screen is just a panel of digital receivers

printed off of the Bucket o’ Blood’s 3D supply printer.  do not ask how much of the

food is printed off of that same machine.  there are hundreds of moving about all

over the dining room.  the movement of the screens and the channels are changed

by a person focusing their attention on the screen.  the machines interact with the

brain waves of other people and share their content with the viewer in a dialogue

fashion>>

 

<<the sports game goes to commercial.  there is an advertisement for a late night

comedy show called “Moo-re Cow Bell”, hosted by ‘Merica’s Last “Living” Comedian,

a Zombie Cowman named Lenny V.  Lenny V wears a Darth Vader helmet on his cow

head.  asked why he, a member of the Horde, wears a mask from a human SciFi

movie from the Stoned age; Lenny V always gives the same answer.  with a

thoughtful look in his far away eyes, a downturned mouth, and yes, a raised

crinkled chin; Lenny V says,>>  “Although you cannot see me face, you can understand

me through my words.  I have a thoughtful look in my far away eyes, a down turned

mouth, and yes a crinkled chin.  I cry, I have feelings.  I also have a day job, a mortgage, a

hungry wife, a spoiled mistress, child support and a pill habit that makes me shit myself.  

I have funny shits.”

 

<<this makes the audience scream with laughter, as do all of his jokes on his

televised evening routine.  this cow is one funny mother fucker.  apparently

humans get more points by achieving fornication with the mothers your species?>>

 

Yes.  Fuck me.

 

<<ha.  I see what you did there Finnegan>>

 

You were talking about this funny cow from two thousand years after I should be dead?

 

<<yes.  there are several tentacles that hang out from the bottom of the Vader

mask…  Lenny V’s Darth Vader mask also has a line of clear plastic tubing that runs

from the bottom of the mask down to an oxygen tank that has been converted to

hold a THC gas.  the Comedian breathes deeply of the gas from the tank that bears a

“Local Martyrs Band” sticker.  the audience roars and the “Moo-re Cow Bell” logo

pops up on the screen; a variety of ‘Lenny V’ products fall from the top of the screen

to the bottom and then “Moo_re_Cow_Bell.cow” lands on the pile of Lenny V

merchandise.  thus endeth the commercial.  Notnek smiles when he see you, his

Cook, and Hopskotch, his Dishwasher, clocking into work>>

 

“Junior, Hop-a-long, why, you’re late?!”, Notnek says.  <<with mock astonishment

overflowing from his beer glass>>

 

“Harr d Harr harr..”, laugh the Bosses Buddies.  <<all of the Boss’s cow buddies sit on

bar stools and lean on tables, drinking beer and eating fried food stuffs.  the

Cowmen turn their attention away from the television sports show commercials

long enough to laugh at Notnek’s employee wage slaves>>

 

“Sorry Boss.”, you and Hopskotch say.  <<in monotone unison>>

 

“There was a line at the suicide booth.”, you offer.  <<in addiction to the previous

apology>>  

 

“Damnit girl, I know you know those things have been busted, out of order, broke, since

3995?!”, bellows Zombie Lawyer Bob.

 

 

<<ZLB, or Zombie Lawyer Bob, distributes all of the contents of his gin an tonic

glass all over the bar as he slurs at you>>

 

“Don’t I know it Lawyer Bob.  But be damned if me and three hundred other cows and

cooks don’t check it every trucking morning for the Government’s Prophesied Repairs.”,

you say.  <<this pleases the Horde’s favorite Lawyer>>

 

<<news on a dozen flying televisions display a plastic looking evening news

broadcaster who announces:>>  “Humans employed in the construction of a new series

of 279 meter high pyramids in LaVaca, Kaliphonia were killed in a volcano eruption

today.  Construction crews digging subterranean levels for the pyramid apparently broke

an underground damn the brought in millions of gallons of sea water into the Kaliphonia

main land.  A volcanic eruption was seen 6 hours after the inland flooding began.  East

‘Merican’ China has offered to give aid to displaced Kaliphonians despite country wide

disruptions caused by the Cowmen Industries revolt.  Jackalmen can be seen setting fires

to grass patties here.  Ashley is in the weather room…”, says Anchorman Knowone

Stevens.

 

&&insert Jackalmen and news caster floating around future bucket o blood bar with cowmen lawyer bob and benny.  Notnek and Hopskotch and Finnegan on next page&&

 

“Quit being cute Junior and get in that kitchen.  It’s thursgay and you know that means

we need ten daily specials for the community lunch.”, say Notnek.

 

<<the Boss waves all four of his arms in a sweeping motion to indicated the

community of which he speaks.  ten cowmen of varying human and cow

proportions sit in the bar area and more and more cows are coming in through the

from t barn door.  you feel the last of today’s hope draining right out of you

Finnegan>>

 

“Right-o Mine Führer, right after I visit the greatest nation in the world.  Urination.”, you

say.  <<you say this to Notnek in passing.  it is your ritual to pretend that it is normal

to walk into a restaurant that serves human/cow hybrids a mixture of human/plant

based foods.  it is your practice these days to cook and clean with Hopskotch and to

go home (what the two of you call home anyway) and paint and draw and write and

cry until the day is at it’s end.  until the cows come home.  it is also your practice to

consume as much of your employer’s booze as inhumanly/humanly possible to dull

your senses against theatricals and tribulations which assault you from Boss and

Restaurant>>

 

<<the Bucket o’ Blood violates your soul from all directions and in numerous

indirect ways.  From the cooks’ and the waitress’s and the customers’ unending

needs and desires to the Boss’s constant verbal attack and occasional physical ass

kicking.  Notnek follows you from the bar to the restroom and continues the

conversation you just tried to end>>

 

<<cutting you off halfway to the restroom, Notnek puts on cow arm in front of you

and another on the table next to you.  the Boss/cow reminds you of a spider holding

a fly trapped inside a web.>>

 

“What’s the problem Junior?  You look more miserable than usual.”, says Notnek.   

 

&&finnegan n virus image&&  need to put one in every finn & virus break for logical cohesion.  when finnegan speaks like below

 

Mock concern foams in Notnek’s eyes.  

 

<<he does care that you are miserable Finnegan>>

 

I know.  Notnek doesn’t enjoy having me around unless I am in emotional or physical

distress.

 

<<well it does bring him pleasure to watch you suffer, to be true, but I also think

that he does still care a bit about you on a former human to human level>>

 

Thanks bud, all better.

 

<<glad i could help..  real mock concern in his eyes, Notnek’s udders jiggle between

the lapels of his unbuttoned yellow Hawaiian shirt.  “Sunset in Paradise”, he calls

this replica of the shirt he wore every Taco Tuesday two thousand years ago>>  

“What’s the problem Junior?”, the Boss repeats.

 

“Yup.  More miserable than usual.”, you say.

 

<<you look up at your “employer”, who has always been dozens of centimeters

taller than you.  cow zombification has only increased his height.  you pour forth

enthusiasm that matches Notnek’s wardrobe selection.  the crooked smile on your

face is dubious to say the least.  Notnek scowls at you and opens his human mouth

to make the talking noise>>

 

“Bud are you still cryin’ about cooking?!  It is your lot in life!  Accept it.  Relax and let it

happen.  Bummed that you’re still working for me after time travel and zombie

apocalypse?  Simple.  I win at life.  You?  Well, not so much.  There.  Does that rub a dub

dub it into your rum soaked brain?  Minimum Wage Misery.  Why, it is all yours

Finnegan.”, says Notnek.

 

“Mindless we wander, looking for meaning in a bottle or a bowl, new pants or a flying

car.  Why don’t I have a flying car boss?”, you say.

 

<<Notnek smiles and raises his beer in his left human hand, toasting one of his

buddies who sits at the bar giggling with the two headed Bartender that’s learning

at you.  Notnek has already forgotten that he was belittling you and has walked

toward the bar and his buddy.  the “buddy”, a cowman named Terrance, is an oil

field worker with red dirt on his boots and an old leather jacket.  the leather jacket

looks a lot like yours, except Terrance’s jacket is made out of Russel, the old night

cook.  Terrance notices you looking at his jacket and nods at you and yours>>

 

“If you don’t salt the skin within a few hours of removal of the critter’s flesh, ya might as

well just burn it.  The skin starts to decompose so quickly and you’ll lose most of the

people hair off of it and this awesome skin tone.  You want to try it on?”, says Terrance.

 

<<you ignore the Boss’s buddy and take a swig from the rum flask that lives in your

back pocket.  Finnegan, if your philosophy makes you want to stay drunk and

stoned all of the time, i would suggest reformatting your mental parameters.  it

seems to be a social sickness.  the “why are we killing ourselves” disease.  Lawyer

Bob had it back when he was a human two thousand years ago too>>

 

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