On the Road
(the street of Normal Towne to be precise)
“I’ve gotta pee.”, says Free Dave.
“Well you’d probably better cross your legs then sunshine.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.
<<Hopskotch talks over his shoulder from the driver seat. Free Dave complains from the
box he is sitting on in the back of the package truck.>>
“I’ve got yer sunshine right here, ya gawd damned Dishwasher!!”, snarls Free Dave.
<<Free Dave shifts and grumbles with his uncomfortably full bladder>>
“You know, I have always thought it would be great to modify a car engine to run off of
human urine.”, you say.
<<your sudden honesty and openness scares the truckload of friends and boxes.
Finnegan, you stand behind Hopskotch. the Dishwasher drives the brown package
truck skillfully through the streets of Normal Towne. Star and Dasha sit in the
back, one on each side of Free-Dave. all three humans in back have boxes for seats.
Star looks down at the box Free-Dave is crushing. the lazy cook rests all of his lazy
weight on his cardboard throne>>
“I sure hope Henry Adams at 1215 Boyd street doesn’t mind you squishing his new shoes
there Free Dave”, says Star.
“Mister Adams at 1215 Boyd street can kiss my well defined ass Star! Him and his new
shoes! I really need a potty break…and I’m hungry y’all. Can we stop somewhere to eat?
Please?”, says Free Dave.
“What are we going to do about food guys? It’s not like we can chance any of the
restaurants in this town.”, says Dasha.
“Especially not pulling up in this truck.”, says Hopskotch.
“Mmmm food…”, says Star whistfully.
“Yeah, I’d normally be cooking dinner for Baby Thor and Ruben right about this time…”,
<<your tone of voice could depress a game show host. or make a prison guard tear
“Finnegan, don’t get all sad bastard on us now. Please!”, cries Dasha.
“But I miss cooking my little buddy healthy food that he didn’t want to eat.”, you say.
<<this time your voice carries a trace of joviality with it>>
“Ok, so we all need to eat before we steal weapons from the sporting good store. We
can’t risk going to restaurants or grocery stores for fear of being eaten by food
monsters”, says Hopskotch Sunday.
“So let’s go to one of our houses and cook some food that we know is safe.”, you say.
<<reason out loud>>
“Who’s house? Because my house is trashed and the kitchen only holds empty beer cans.”, says Free Dave.
<<Dasha and Star both turn and bestow judgement upon Free-Dave with their
“Hey! It’s the Maid’s day off! And the lazy ass butler hasn’t been shopping lately.”, says
“Speaking of ‘ass butlers’, I haven’t got much for food either. How about you Star?”, asks
<<Star shakes her head in the negative>>
Hopskotch says, “I’ve got a little bit. Well a couple potatoes and some Facon.”
<<Hopskotch offers measly from the driver’s seat>>
“Let’s go to my house. It is near here and I have enough groceries to feed a family. We
can feast whilst we wait for the store to close.”, you say.
<<you have decided for the group of friends. good job Finnegan. the Friends all verbally
“So the vehicles would all have receptacles and reservoirs in the driver’s and passengers
seats that would empty into the fuel tank.”, you say.
<<you speak to all of the Friends at once, continuing the conversation you started earlier
“Are you talking about the piss car again man?! Shut up about it. I’ve gotta go pee pee
damnit!”, insists Free Dave.
“No way buddy. It is every courier and truck driver’s wet dream. Literally, ha! No more
stopping the car to urinate!”, you says.
<<insisting upon your new science project to your friend who desperately desires to
fill this brown package truck’s fuel tank. Hopskotch steers the package truck
toward your house and finally into the driveway and back to the end of your
driveway infront of your garage studio. you live in the back half of a duplex that is
several blocks away from the Bucket o’ Blood. Hopskotch parks the package truck
behind your broken van. the two vehicles are roughly the same size. the Friends
exit the truck and enter your house. your house is infused with more light and
human warmth than it has held for days>>
“I dig the art on the walls Finnegan! Is it all your work?”, asks Free Dave.
<<he does not wait for an answer. Free-Dave offers his compliment and asks his
question without breaking his mad dash past everyone and into the small room that
contains a toilet>>
“These paintings of Baby Thor fighting monsters are. The scantily clad woman on the
spaceship is Hopskotch’s work, and the one with all the peni knives and guns was
painted by our buddy up in Portlandia, Deadly Vernis.”, you say.
<<you enjoy giving guided tours of the art in your home very much>>
“There is more art in the kitchen and in the bathroom. Make yourselves at home guys.”,
<<you turn and walk into the kitchen to prepare dinner for the Friends. in a large
green bottomed skillet, you pour a few tablespoons of olive oil, cups of water and
handfuls of quinoa. you put it on the stove top and cover it with a lid, leaving it to
cook on high heat. i would turn the heat down a bit pretty soon Finnegan>>
<<do not mention it friend>>
Dasha asks, “Need me to do anything friend?”
“No, I’m good.”, you say.
“Whatcha cookin’ good lookin’?”, asks Star.
“I’m cooking up one of my on the quick specialties. A kale quinoa dish. Fast, nutritious
and delicious.”, you reply.
“Nice!”, says Dasha.
“Nom.”, says Star.
“I’ve got dishes!”, says Hopskotch.
<<Hopskotch has already jumped upon the day old dirty dishes that you have left
laying in the sink during your unyielding depression>>
“Thanks buddy!”, you say.
“Keen-Keanu-Whaaa? Isn’t that some weird freakshow lettuce man? I want some
human food!”, says Free Dave.
<<Free-Dave, having returned from emptying his painfully full bladder into your
toilet, is freaked out by the sight of kale and is afraid of unfamiliar food. many
‘Merican’s seem to suffer from the fear of exploring dishes outside the scope of the
average fast-food menu>>
“Trust me Free Dave, you’ll dig it. I’ve had Finnegan’s home cooking before and it is
pretty darn good.”, says Star.
<<your dear friend tries to placate Free-Dave’s dissension. the quinoa starts to boil
and you finally turn the heat down to medium. you will add the kale after a few
minutes, when the quinoa is about halfway dine cooking. on a cutting board, with a
large knife, you cut up a large bushel of kale (making care to remove the stems, so
as make the dish more appealing to vegi-phobes) and half a clove of fresh garlic.
you wait to add the garlic until the kale has softened up a bit. nobody wants burnt
garlic. the kale starts to cook down, you add diced garlic, and some salt and pepper,
turmeric, and smoked paprika to taste. the steam rises from the pan and brings
everyone from their art house wanderings into the kitchen. the Friends sit at the
table and eat and drink and talk. it is decided that the best option for obtaining
weaponry is the local sporting goods and outdoor store. it is located out by the
highway that leads out of Normal Towne. axes and swords and guns and knives of
all shapes and sizes can be found at the sporting good store. ‘Merican’s love your
<<you and the Four Friends are plotting to seize the sporting goods store supply of
weapons and survival gear after closing time. concurrently the Normal Towne
SWAT Team surrounds the Faith Lasalle coffee shop and then proceed to kick in the
the police arrest the food service workers. the authorities claim that by taking the
food service into custody, that they are in fact protecting them>>
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