<<i throw in that memory of your mentor Duff educating you on restaurant history
as i try to pry the events of what happened after your shift ended yesterday at the
Bucket o’ Blood. you and Hopskotch left the parking lot and headed to see Star and
Dasha whilst smoking a large marijuana cigarette. our mind disconnected after
that. i think i was with you…or perhaps i was distracted. i do know you drank, alot.
a lot alot. but i do not need to be part of you to know you drank heavily yesterday
Oh yeah? Why’s that Virus?
&&finnegan wasted image Virus annoyed&&
<<nevermind. i will relate your life before the awakening if it resurfaces. or feel
free to share it yourself, should you happen to remember some of your life bud.
but i do know what happens to you when you become cognizant at work the next
<<Finnegan and Hopskotch seek cover behind the bar of the Bucket o’ Blood. the
little hamburger monsters scurry around the restaurant, grabbing bits of customer
and make themselves into one big Zombie Cow. Free Dave crawls out of the kitchen
using his remaining intact arm. when he arrives next to Hopskotch Sunday, Free
Dave stops crawling and maneuvers himself into a sitting up position. Free Dave
interrupts you and Hopskotch’s discussion and asks,>>
“Hey, do you guys think Theta was right?”, says Free Dave.
<<you and Hopskotch look at each-other and then at Free-Dave’s face quizzically>>
“You know, about standing in front of that microwave all day giving us brain damage?
Maybe I’m imagining all of this. Maybe the microwave zapped all our brains and we’re
all just imagining this?”, says Free Dave.
<<you and Hopskotch look at each-other knowingly and both prepare to tell Free
Dave just how foolish he is being and that perhaps this is not the best time to
discuss his sanity. memories of Theta humpback into the foreground of your
human mind. i bet they do in Hopskotch’s a-swell. i like to imagine a little movie
theater inside you and your buddy’s heads playing a film about the Waitress, Theta.
in this film she walks into the kitchen from the dining room and tells you that you
are going to get brain cancer from standing in-front of the microwave all day while
it is cooking the customers food. after that series of flashbacks you and Hopskotch
turn to see Free-Dave crawling away from behind the bar. you decide that your co-
worker-friend has lost his mind along with his favorite hand. Hopskotch seems to
be on the same thought train, because he says,>>
“Well that’s the last we ever saw of ol’ Free Dave…”, says Hopskotch.
<<but faster than you can think of a pop culture reference, Free-Dave comes
scurrying back behind the bar pulling himself with his second favorite hand and
carrying a pack of cigarettes in his mouth>>
“He crawls pretty quickly for one armed man.”, you say.
<<Free-Dave gets back behind the bar and spit out the pack of cigarettes and pulls a
lighter out of his pants pocket. one muscular arm pulls it’s hand up, bringing a
cigarette into the mouth attached to the neck attached to the shoulders attached to
the arm attached to the hand. Free-Dave smokes. Free-Dave looks like every action
movie hero, ever. cigarette sales will go way up if this guy survives the apocalypse.
Free-Dave turns to offer his co-workers a cigarette. you and Hopskotch resist the
pull of the cancer industry and decline>>
“I saw one of the customers clutching these, or at least what was left of him was.”, says
<<you grimace and Hopskotch laughs>>
“Ok, suit yourselves. But Junior? Hop-a-long. I want you to know. That if that
microwave there didn’t melt out brains, than this is going to be my last cigarette break.
That monster out there just finished the last person left in the dining room. I’m pretty
sure the Waitress and the Boss and the Bartender are all dead. That’s right. We’re gonna
hafta pour our own drinks from here on out.”, says Free Dave.
<<you and Hopskotch rise up from behind the bar to see the ten foot tall Zombie
Cow,the one that was previously throwing chairs and stalking humans from the
smoking section to the restrooms, looking for more food. Hopskotch pulls a tequila
bottle from below the bar and asks Free-Dave for his lighter. you follow
Hopskotch’s lead and grab your own bottle of booze. Hopskotch tears a strip of
cloth of of the Bartender’s glass cleaning rags. you are taking a swig from your
liquor bottle when Hopskotch hands you the rag for your molotov cocktail. Free-
Dave watches you and Hopskotch work while he smokes his borrowed cigarette.
this makes it seem like a regular day. you hand your first DIY grenade to the lazy
cook and make three more>>
“Graaaaaawwwwwarrrrrr!!!!!!”, says the ten foot tall zombie cow.
<<the Cook, the Dishwasher and the Free-Dave throw the moltov cocktails at the
Beast in turn. you and your two co-worker-friends run from the blast and the flame
and through the kitchen and out of the Bucket o’ Blood>>
“That was fun.”, you say.
“Yeah. The only thing missing was a couple beautiful women. Hey let’s call Star and
Dasha”, says Hopskotch.
“I hate you guys. Sorry Junior.”, says Free Dave.
“The friends aren’t answering their phone. They are supposed to be at the Howdy
Partner.”, you say.
“Well we’d better go there for drinks…”, says Hopskotch.
“Drinks sound good.”, Free Dave says.
<<the three surviving employees arrive at the Howdy Partner within twenty
minutes of their escape from the Bucket o’ Blood. the Cook, the Dishwasher and the
Free-Dave find their friends Dasha and Star beating on the glass and metal front
door of the Howdy Partner. the Waitresses are yelling for their employer to let
them back into the restaurant>>
“Howdy Partner!”, yells Dasha.
“Howdy Partner!”, yells Star.
<<the owner of the Howdy Partner insists that all Waitresses and Cooks yell the
restaurant’s name whenever someone opens the front door of the Gay Cowboy
“Howdy Partner!!”, yell Star and Dasha in unison.
“Asshole!!”, says Dasha.
<<seeing you and Hopskotch walk up to the restaurant Star turns to you and says,>>
“We were just getting ready the restaurant ready to open when our asshole boss asked us
to step outside for a few minutes.”, says Star.
<<Dasha continues,>> “Yeah, it turns out our meat delivery guy was an hour late
bringing in the new meat order. The boss wanted to rip him a new asshole.”
“So Boss says to wait out front and to tell any would-be customers that we will be
opening momentarily.”, finishes Dasha.
“So you guys just be chillin’?”, asks Hopskotch.
“for an hour and a half. Boss locked the doors and we can’t move ten feet from the door
without some confused group of teachers or college kids coming and pulling at the
locked doors in disbelief. And we left our cellphones behind the counter so we can’t
message anyone.”, says Dasha.
“Have you forgotten how to find and use a payphone?”, Hopskotch asks.
“We don’t know anyone’s number. They’re all stored in our cellphones.”, Star says. <<as
if this should be obvious>>
“Without our technology, we are all helpless!!”, you say. <<with enough stoic rage that
any member of the Nation Rifle Association would be proud>>
<<you motion for Dasha, Star and Hopskotch to follow you to the back of the
building. Free-Dave offers to keep watch at the front door>>
“I’ll stand guard against the encroaching customers or an escaping boss guys!”, says Free
<<Free-Dave salutes the four of you with his stub of a left arm before watching the
street as you all walk around to the back of the restaurant. the scene outback is
horrific. brutal is not even a strong enough to describe what was done to the Boss
of the Howdy Partner. the Four Friends flee the back of the H.P. you lead the
exodus. the four of you herd to the front of the building to include Free-Dave in
your evacuation. when the four fast friends return to the front door, there is no
Free-Dave to be seen. the front door of the Howdy Partner is still locked. fearing
that Free Dave might have wandered back to get eaten by the angry monster that
you, Hopskotch and he left behind at the Bucket o’ Blood, you lead Hopskotch and
Dasha and Star in that direction>>
<<the Four Friends have traveled no further than 5 feet from the front door of the
Howdy Partner, when a man in a Ticky Tacky University polo shirt walks up, tries
the front door and asks the Friends,>> “Hey is this place open?”
<<all four furious food workers turn and yell,>>
“No!”, says Dasha.
“No!”, says Star.
“No”, you say.
“Try the grilled god. It’s fabulous.”, says Hopskotch.
<<Dasha, Star and Hopskotch Sunday, follow you down Sodowemi street towards
the famous Normal Towne restaurant and club known as the Bucket o’ Blood. as the
Fearful Four reach the half block stretch that gives full view of the B.o.B. Also
Known By Some Assholes As the Bucket o’ Blood. Finnegan, you stop and turn away
from the restaurant and yell something that sounds like “Truck King Fit”, but your
friends are unable to make out what you say. Dasha and Star and Hopskotch
Sunday are busy being thrown to the ground by the explosion of the Bucket o’
“mmmmwwwwwaaaaammmmwwwwwaaaaawwwmmm”, you and Dasha and Star and
<<you and your friends as screaming inaudible words that no-one can understand…
if you are wondering what is happening. After a couple of seconds of screaming on
the ground, the Four Friends climb to your collective feet and run towards the
B.o.B. to watch the building fall in on itself. there is also the sight of Free-Dave
running down the alley behind the former restaurant. the Friends track down Free-
Dave; oddly enough at a bar. he is recounting how he lost and regained his hand at
the Bucket o’ Blood>>
“I was being made to wait out front of the Howdy Partner Pizza Joint. I got bored of
telling squishy customers to piss off and why I only had one hand. So I wandered
around to the opposite side of the building, where my team was investigating. To
properly survey the scene, I took the opposite route to the back of the building than they
did. I got there just intake to see them running scared away from the back door of the
Howdy Partner.”, says Free Dave.
<<Free-Dave is speaking to Billy the Bartender of the Belly Bar>>
“I was pretty tired of leading that group of losers and thought that I needed to go out on
my own for a while. Hey Billy, pour me another Dead Cup. As I was sayin’, I left the back
alley by the Howdy Partner and was attacked by another Hamburger Monster! This
mutha fucker had also stolen some feller’s hand. I large black guy’s apparently.”, says
<<Free-Dave waves his new black-skinned left hand and uses it to pick up the new
beer that the disinterested bartender sits before him>>
“Seeing this stolen hand enraged me. That damned monster then jumped up on me and
was gnawing on my shoulder, like I was Zombie brand beef jerky. I pulled the monster
off of my shoulder and threw the teeth bastard to the ground. For some reason I decided
to stab the monster thru the top of its head with the bone of my stump arm. My bandage
was loosened during my struggle wo get the beast off of my shoulder. My arm bone
pierced the Zombie Burger’s soft head flesh. It screamed and writhed and then went
limp. But the hand that was being used by the creature as foot and leg started to connect
with my stump! I tell you one minute later I walked out of that alley like a badass. A
badass with two hands. A new hand! I found that I could soon control the fingers and
the hand and even the wrist. I then tore at the hamburger monster body surrounding
the wrist. It didn’t go well. As fast as I could tear and pull at the monster’s flesh, the
damn thing crawled back and refastened itself. I needed a knife to cut the Zombie off of
me. It was then that I realized that I had walked around the blocks’ alleyways and was
standing at the Black Metal Back Door of the Bucket o’ Blood. I, Free Dave, walked in into
the kitchen like the last action hero with my new hand. Like a pimp with a twisted taste
in jewelry, I strolled up-to the knife rack. I grabbed my favorite knife and started
hacking the cow head off of my newly whole arm. It was so awesome, I swear I heard
the Beagles playing in the background as I chopped away. It wasn’t until I was slicing off
the last of it that I paid attention to my surroundings. The kitchen was covered in blood
and gore. The gore was alive and climbed up walls!! I heard a man scream from the
front of the restaurant. I snuck around the Cook/Waitress dividing line and looked
through the doorway of the kitchen and into the dining room. Out in the dining room I
saw Notnek crouching on the floor. Boss was down at the feet of a giant bull figure who
was standing erect. Like a man, right?! And the bull-cow was on fire. The burning
Zombie Cow was speaking to Notnek. Notnek shook his head in protest to whatever was
being said to him by the fire demon.”, says Free Dave.
<<half of the drunks at the bar are now listening to his story. Free Dave takes a long
sip from his Dead Cup of beer. he flexes his new hand and continues>>
“I wanted to see more, to hear more. I really did. But the last thing in the world I wanted
was for those two in the front of the house to know that I was in the back of the house.
So I looked around to see what I could take with me on my way out the back door. I
grabbed Finnegan’s leftover rum from that morning and my favorite knife. I stopped on
a whim and creeped over to the fryers and grills. I opened the gas line to the stoves and
walked out the Black Metal Back Door of the Bucket o’ Blood. I took the entire contents
of Finnegan’s rum glass and poured it down my throat. I threw the rum glass over my
shoulder towards the Bucket o’ Blood and walked again into the alleyway. My place of
employment exploded behind me. I walked on.”, says Free Dave.
<<Free-Dave feels good. Free-Dave has two hands again. Free-Dave had people
listening to his words with actual interest. having hands and the attention of others
along with beer in his belly made Free-Dave feel happy. at this same moment in
time, you and Hopskotch Sunday and Dasha and Star are all walking the Normal
Towne Campus Corner Business District of Ticky Tacky University. the Four Friends
just watched the Bucket o’ Blood burn to the ground. Hopskotch Sunday and Dasha
debate over what role Free Dave played in the destruction of the restaurant, they
debate and search East Campus Corner. you and Star explore West Campus Corner
in search of Free Dave and answers. Finnegan, you look like a commercial for
Chaos Brand Beer.>>
<<up until now, i have not cared to point out that one of the sleeves of your well-
worn black leather jacket is comprised mainly of punk and folk rock band patches.
ofcourse i did not know what ‘punk rock’ or ‘folk rock’ or ‘fraggle rock’ was when i
started retelling you this tale. also Finnegan, did you know that ‘Of Course’ is
actually two words? grammatically speaking that is. ofcourse i feel that it looks
funny like that. humans do the darnedest things>>
“He made it out of the building. We all saw it.”, says Hopskotch.
“He lost his hand today! We need to make sure he’s ok, you ass!”, says Dasha
“I just mean, that he might be the one who set the Bucket o’ Blood on fire. I didn’t mean
that was a bad thing, or that we should call down justice upon the lazy mouther
fucker…”, says Hopskotch Sunday.
<<this discussion goes on and on… let us see what you and Star are talking about>>
“I know you guys always say he’s trying to get outta life doing as little work as possible,
but I don’t see Free Dave taking the initiative to burn the place down…just to get out of
work. I mean loss of hand totally get you light duty, right?”, Star says.
“You obviously haven’t listened to what I’ve saidd about Notnek.”, you say.
“Well I have learned to tune you out when you whine about your boss too much or losing
your kid n’ shit…”, says Star.
“You mother fuck…”, you start.
“I’m just fucking with you girl.”, says Star.
“I know. I am just saying that Boss made us open the restaurant after the Reverend
Mostly High Duff’s murder yesterday. Also I thought I saw him walk down the alley with
two hands right before the explosion.”, you say.
“Reverend Duff?!”, Star says.
“No Star, Free Dave.”, you say.
<<Star walks the south side of the street looking in the shops for your friend. you
walk the north side. you win the friendship easter egg hunt. you spot Free Dave in
the Belly Bar. you tell Star you found him and enter the Belly>>
“That damn thing ate my favorite left hand! I killed it though. Killed it real good.
Burned it alive in boiling oil. Then it came back for me and the restaurant. It killed my
co-workers dammit!!!”, says Free Dave.
<<the Bartender is paying Free-Dave little mind however. it is not the first time that
Free-Dave has stumbled into the Belly Bar with an amazing story or a missing body
part. you walk up to the bar and take a seat next to your crying comrade. the
Bartender notices you and asks if you would like anything to drink>>
“No thanks. The Good Times are killing me.”, you reply.
<<Free-Dave departs from his self commiseration when he hears your voice. he
turns to you and wipes his eyes with a bar napkin>>
“Finnegan! You’re alive!”, says Free Dave.
<<he half falls off of his barstool struggling to embrace you. you receive his hug
and help him back on to his seat>>
“Yeah, we walked up right after the first explosion. Star, Dasha, Hopskotch and I. We
saw the building go up in flames and you escaping out back. I can’t help but notice that
you have two hands again buddy”, you say.
<<Free-Dave relates how he stole a stolen hand from a hamburger monster in the
alleyway behind the Howdy Partner. the other barflies have heard this tale and go
back into their liquor fueled oblivion. you listen intently until Star enters the bar
and instructs the two of you to follow her out of the Belly Bar. the three of you walk
to Hopskotch and Dasha. the two friends are southeast of your location by a couple
blocks. they have found another group of food service workers crowded around a
coffee shop called the Faith LaSalle. these minimum wage workers are talking
about monsters attacking them at their food dispensing jobs. it seems the whole
town is under attack from its food source. it is like old Lawyer Bob’ nightmare is
coming true, huh Finnegan? several of the workers here are cooks that you have
met during the time you and the friends have spent in the local food industry. the
usual suspects. the workers pass cigarettes and beers back and forth amongst their
peers. a couple kids in the group are there from the local hipster price grocery
store called Ground Grown>>
“Everyone in the Meat Department is dead. Only Becky and I survived.”, says a freckle
Becky says, “Yeah, Douglas works in produce and I work or I guess I worked the checkout
counter. If we’d be been any closer to the meat section, we would be dead too.”
<<they are both visibly shaken and Becky wraps a suspicious East ‘Merican’ looking
blanket someone has handed around her co-worker, Douglas. after listening to the
group get scared for awhile, you and the Four Friends slip away>>
“Let’s go for a walk guys. We need to get far away before they start an angry apathetic
mob.”, says Dasha.
“Yeah, speaking of mobs…I think we should go about arming ourselves.”, says Star.
“I know I would appreciate anarchy a bit more if was carrying a weapon.”, says
“We should go get bottles of booze also.”, you say.
<<the four other friends take turns pushing and punching and saying mouthy things
“Its a multi-purpose tool. Antiseptic, sterilization, bomb making, fire fuel and all around
good time juice.”, you say.
<<you carry on with your alco-logic. Free Dave, Star, Hopskotch and Dasha walk
and talk down the streets of Normal Towne. it is quickly decided after walking past
a fraternity house full of cars (it seems the brothers of the house decided to turn
the place into a drive through) that the five of you need to obtain a vehicle. the end
goal being to expedite the process of procuring weaponry. you are the only one of
the friends with a vehicle, but your van is in pieces along the Oklahellmouth
“Let’s try and find a vehicle that isn’t hanging halfway out of the wall of a Fraternity.”,
<<happy to hear you witch from talk of drinking over to talk of driving, the rest of
your human group starts to pay attention to your words again>>
“We’ll have better luck fighting whatever monsters are lurking on these streets with a
car at our disposal, than with just our barehands.”, says Dasha.
“I’m not barehanded. I’m armed with someone else’s. You get it? You get it?”, says Free
<<Free-Dave waves his arms as he speaks and gestures with his newly acquired
black man hand. Dasha stops walking and looks at Free-Dave and then to Star and
to Hopskotch; they in turn each shrug their shoulders. the awkward ensues>>
“So where do we get weapons man?”, says Free Dave.
“I think our best bet is to hit the sporting goods store by the highway.”, you say.
“Guns and knives man. Axes and ammo.”, says Hopskotch.
“Ball bats and jail bait.”, says Dasha.
“I think you meant fishing bait buddy.”, you say.
“I’m comfortable with my jailbait.”, says Dasha.
<<your friend shares a wolfish grin with you>>
“So Jared Fogel, can we borrow your creepster van?”, you say.
<<Dasha punches you in the gut. after Dasha finishes mocking you for being the one
with a Cho-Mo van and then Free-Dave pointing out that your van was busted
because you got drunk and killed yourself while driving the van; the group
conversation falls into an awkward feeling sorry for one’s self silence. two and a
half blocks of Normal Towne college campus corner walk past you all. Hopskotch
Sunday then grabs your battered black leather jacket and brings the location to a
“I think I just saw Duff pushing his mop bucket into the alley across the street.”, says
“The one by the police station?”, you ask.
<<Hopskotch Sunday walks out into the middle of the road. a brown package car
swerves to miss him and parks in front of the police station. Hopskotch Sunday
shakes the ghosts out of his head and discovers the new Friendship Family Vehicle
has appeared before his very eyes>>
“Our Gööber ride is here.”, says Hopskotch.
<<it should be noted here that during his first years of college, your buddy
Hopskotch Sunday, spent some time working for C.A.S. the Cargo Airport Service is
the subcontracted shipping division of Dyin Read’s public relations empire. C.A.S.
is the literal hand of the metaphorical hand that feeds. food, clothing, any
merchandise purchased through the big box stores is delivered by brown truck,
brown plane or human in brown work suit. the experience gained from Hopskotch
Sunday’s time at C.A.S. informed him of some of the operational and vehicular
procedures that the human delivery drivers are prone to. this endowed Hopskotch
with the knowledge to take the brown package truck away from the human in the
brown work suit. you follow Hopskotch and the rest of the Fierce Five into the
package truck only seconds after the man in the brown work suit exits the vehicle
carrying his package. the package is carried into the Normal Towne Police
“Come on! Get in the truck!”, says Hopskotch.
<<he whispers urgently and helps you and the others through the passenger door.
pausing before you completely climb in>>
“Wait, what about Duff?”, you ask.
“You’re confused again. Get in Finnegan!”, says Star.
“Never mind that now, come on Finnegan move!”
“Get in! Get in!”, says Free Dave
<<Dasha does not cry out for your expedience. she climbs back out of the truck and
pulls you in. Sasha closes the door and pushes Free-Dave down onto a stack of
boxes in the back of the package truck. Hopskotch jumps into the drivers seated
yells for you to all,>>
“Hold on tight. This is gonna be a bumpy ride!”, says Hopskotch.
<<the ride is not bumpy. there are no exciting things to report about the time you
and your friends stole a C.A.S. package truck from infront of a police station.
except that everyone was thrown to the back of the truck when Hopskotch Sunday
pushed the gas pedal all the way to the floor of the truck. your dishwashing friend
did this when he noticed the man in the brown work suit staring at all of you inside
of a truck that was not yours to be inside. the man in the brown work suit is left
alone in the dust to cuss and to curse. his name is Butch and he is not happy to be
standing alone outside of the Normal Towne Police Station. Butch reaches into his
pocket to get his cellphone. he intends on reporting his predicament to his
supervisors. that is when Butch finds out that he is not alone out here after all. our
C.A.S. package truck driving hero is taken unaware by a hamburger monster that
has crawled out of the dark alleyway that runs along the side of the police station.
no one learns about Butch’s truck being liberated. a couple Normal Towne police
officers walk to the front door of the police station in time to witness Butch being
dragged into the alleyway by the hamburger monster. the officers look on as a pair
of legs in brown pants kick out at the night air as they are pulled into the darkness
of the alleyway. the police humans look from the gore marks on the sidewalk up
into eachother’s eyes. the cop on the right says,>>
“Rock Paper Scissors?”, says COP OTR.
<<the cop on the left shakes her head and says,>>
“Oh hell no. Fuck all that man.”, says COP OTL.
<<the cop on the left then turns and walks back to her officer office. air raid sirens
start to ring through the streets of Normal Towne. down several blocks and around
a few corners from here, two police vans pull up to the Faith Lasalle Coffee Shop.
the food service kids congregating there earlier have moved inside. Normal
Towne’s finest food service workers are protesting being murdered and hunted
away from their food service jobs by drinking coffee and not paying for it. the
Normal Towne Food Service Workers are drinking over caffeinated and normally
over priced drinks with names that sound foreign no matter where you are from.
the Normal Towne hipsters take turns complaining about their jobs to one another.
they finish eachother’s sentences whenever they can. not many actually listen to
the complaints of another. a baker’s dozen of police officers in SWAT gear rapidly
enter and fill the Faith LaSalle. sadly these are not the Scandinavian Workshop on
Algorithm Theory type of SWAT teamsters; but the kind that will arrest you and all
of your friends and then go about enjoying your drugs and alcohol. the entire
hipster coffee shop full of scared and disgruntled foodservice workers is taken into
custody. the bulk of the police department is now under the hooves of the Horde.
luckily for the friends, y’all (you_all) have left to find weapons in your big brown
&&friends in truck. avengers/ninja turtle weapon pose&&