Horde to illuminati, illuminati to Horde
<<Ayn Rant paces back and forth in front of the four gentlemen sitting in-front of
the stone fireplace. the men sweat from both the heat of the fire and the heat of the
fiery words spewing forth from Rant’s bright red lips.>>
“The food service workers are the first to be rounded up. the first group to be controlled.
The citizens of Normal Towne are being advised by the Normal Towne media puppet
masters to stay inside their homes. The average human has no idea what terrorist
activity sHe is supposed to hide from; sHe just knows to hide. The foodservice workers
have seen their enemy and have dangerous knowledge. These humans must be dealt
with. The longer the citizens of Normal Towne are in the dark, the better.”, says Ayn
“So how do we know the virus is going to reproduce itself to kill off enough of the world’s
population to save us from over population Ruben? How do we even know if the virus is
going to spread beyond Normal Towne?“, says Lush Rimbaugh.
“Well Tronald Dump is distributing his Dump Steaks all across the Oklahellmouth. He
has been promoting them non-stop to the ill educated Mall-Wart proles. Ruben educated
Dump about the virus gestation time. Didn’t Ruben tell you all this yesterday Lush?”,
says Ace L’Argent du Sang.
“Yes, but Ruben..”, starts Rimbaugh.
“His job was to program the virus. Not to worry his egg head about logistics Rimbaugh.
Pay attention to the words I am speaking and then you can ask any questions. Although I
am certain I will already have disclosed all pertinent information and you will just have
been too busy waiting to speak to actually have heard what it is you’d like to know.”, says
“Right. Logistics.”, says Ruben.
“The virus will use the overpopulation to replicate itself as it kills off the weak.”, says Ace
L’Argent du Sang.
“Yes. The Doctor predetermined that the individual Horde members will constantly be
hungry. So they will constantly be feeding.”, says Ayn Rant.
“And constant feeding means constant spread of the virus.”, says Limothy Tearany.
“Well what about mission creep? How do we know the virus won’t take too big a bite out of the population? How do we know it won’t kill em’ all?”, says Lush Limbaugh.
“We have groups like the one Ruben’s wife will be leading soon. Self started groups of
resistance that will help keep the monsters in check and us in power and in control. We
play both sides of the game. We make each side help us win.”, says Ace L’Argent du Sang.
“Classic Rule One and compounding interest strategy”, says gAberaham sLinkcolin.
“Whaaaat??”, says Lush Rimbaugh.
“It means that we win no matter what. Let Rant finish her rant goddamnit.”, says Ruben.
“Calm down everyone. Lush, you need to focus on the overall picture. The mechanism is
functioning. Let me illuminate you on the the progress toward our goal. Your
questioning has upset dear Ruben. You aren’t missing your wife and hometown are you
Ruben? Hmm?”, says Ayn Rant.
“No. I just want to get on with this meeting. Thor and I have elsewhere to be today.”,
<<the illuminati members continue to talk the important people talk. now i
understand why i am inside of you helping you and your friends out. you and i
balance out this mad experiment the illuminati has begun to perform. i cannot
wait for act ii>>
<<Notnek and his Hamburger Underwear minions rise from the rubble that was
known as the Bucket o’ Blood. the Friends are driving the stolen brown package
truck to the sporting good store at midnight. Krang and Curtis decide to leave the
Dick Monald’s. there are several buildings burning across Normal Towne.
Hopskotch Sunday drives the brown truck past. humans and other monsters can be
seen fighting and frolicking in the streets>>
<<Finnegan, you sit shotgun and watch at the passenger window as Hopskotch
drives the truck. there are groups of humans chasing single cows. like angry
villagers chasing Frankenstein’s monster out of town. also to be seen are small
groups of humans running in terror, some being mowed down by the cows in
pursuit. Free Dave looks out of the back window of the truck and spies a single cow
leading a group of humans against the retreating group of humans. Star climbs to
the back of the truck to watch with Free Dave>>
“These zombies are still living humans. Some monsters are controlling them. It must be
horrifying having someone else drive your body.”, you say.
<<Free-Dave takes off his hat and looks out the window. he makes a low groaning
noise that elevates to a whine. normally this signals that Free-Dave is in mid-
drunken rage, but this time it is his fear of becoming a monster>>
“They are all fine examples of anarchy in action, aren’t they Free?”, Star asks.
“Yeah. Looking out this back window is like watching the scariest television show that I
have ever seen. With some of my friends as the actors.”, replies Free Dave.
<<Free-Dave has his arms wrapped around himself as if the scene outside the truck
had made him cold. Star looks at her friend and then back out of the window of the
“It’s like watching a Hieronymus Bosch painting in action.”, you say.
<<from up at the front of the van you look from food service friend to friend. each
head nods in agreement. who ever Hieronymus Bosch is, and whatever he
The Garden of Earthly Delight!! Naked humans and bird people, goats and Jesus!
<<so all painters are drunk lunatics?>>
“So what makes us think that we’re actually going to get any weapons at the sporting
goods store?”, asks Dasha.
<<Dasha brings up logic after the truck has already brought you all halfway to your
“Yeah.”, agrees Hopskotch, “I mean logically the police and survivalist nuts would be
there straight away. We will have a bigger battle getting into this store than getting into
Mallwart on Black Friday.”, Hopskotch finishes.
you say, “Well yes, logically you and Dasha are correct. But that is tomorrow morning
<<you turn on the radio and the local news comes on. the radio blares explosions
and screams followed by a calm reporter saying,>>
“Authorities say that gang activity is likely responsible for the disturbances in Normal
Towne today. Chief Big G Chadwick assured me that everything is under control.”, says
“It is recommended that all Normal Towne residents stay inside their homes, keep their
doors locked and do not open up to anyone but the police. We are patrolling and have
everything under control.”, says an audio clip of Chief Big G Chadwick.
<<yes. under control. Finnegan, you reach forward and turn the radio off>>
“See? Anyone who is not currently being eaten, is hiding and waiting to be told what to
do. Free thinking is not a spectator sport in ‘Merica’ these days.”, you explain.
<<the Fearful Five drive to the Block n’ Calls Sporting-Goods Outdoor Store’s
parking lot. your four friends all can see that you were right Finnegan. Correct in
your assumption of an easy supply score. the lights are on, and nobody is home>>
“Now when we break-in the alarm goes off, I imagine we will have 15 minutes, 20 max,
before any police are able to break away from what they are doing to come in this
direction.”, you say.
“If they even care at all by this point.”, says Dasha.
“That being said, we need to go in with a plan.”, you finish.
“You are a much better manager than I thought Junior.”, says Free Dave
<<the sound of your open hand smacking Free-Dave across the face echoes
throughout the package car. you all collectively decide who’s going to retrieve what
supply item, how much of it, and where it should be found in the store. you all
mentally prepare for the weapons raid. Hopskotch lines the rear end of the
package truck up with one of the store’s glass windows and throws the transmission
in reverse, slamming onto the gasoline pedal. the package truck crashes easily
through Block n’ Calls’ window. the package truck breeches the Sporting-Goods and
Outdoor store windward the Fearsome Five exit the vehicle>>
“Guns and knives, axes and camping gear, oh my!”, says Free Dave in a sing song voice.
“Everyone grab at least one change of clothes.”, advises Hopskotch.
<<Hopskotch’s voice and the sound of after-hours shopping echoes through the
“Change of clothes? Sounds like someone soiled his panties.”, says Free Dave to Star.
<<Free-Dave runs past Star pushing a basket filled with ammunition and handguns. Star rolls her eyes and continues grabbing things and checking them off of her list>>
“Time’s up kids. Block n’ Calls’ After-hours is closing in 2 minutes. Please proceed to the
check out with the items we wish you would purchase. We thank you for shoplifting
with us here at Block n’ Calls.”, says Hopskotch Sunday over the store’s loud speaker
<<supplies are obtained and loaded into the truck. winning on isle five.
you call for everyone to return to the brown package truck. the Friends are in
motion again before the first cow starts to charge your truck. Dasha spots the
zombie running at you all from the entrance of the Block n’ Calls parking lot>>
“Shit. that guy must be from the Dick Monald’s next to the highway. I worked there
when Dildo and I first moved to Normal Towne.”, says Dasha.
<<Dildo is Dasha’s boyfriend, of sorts. Hopskotch Sunday pushes the brown package
truck’s gasoline pedal to the floor again. the truck this time smashes into the
zombie. the zombie fares better than the Block n’ Calls’ front window.
the cow does go to pieces. there is a cry from the separating zombie body. there is
an echoed cry in the distance. the cow pieces cover the windshield. Hopskotch
Sunday cannot see to drive. Hopskotch stops the truck to clean the windshield. the
cow parts start to move. they start to reform and immediately reach out for
Hopskotch Sunday. the windshield cow reaches through the unopened driver side
window and shatters the glass. the zombie pulls Hopskotch out of the window and
throws him upon the top of the truck>>
“Hopskotch!”, you cry.
“Little buddy!”, cries Free Dave.
<<you start to climb out to help your buddy the Dishwasher, but before you can
reach for the door, Free-Dave stops you. he pushes past you, climbing onto the
driver’s seat from the back of the truck and out the driver’s broken window, like
“Take the wheel Finnegan, I’ll get him!”, says Free Dave.
<<Free-Dave scrambles up the hood of the brown package truck and almost falls in
through the cracked windshield. you see he has an axe in his brand new hand when
he steps up onto the roof of the truck. Free-Dave raises the axe and jumps at the
monster who stole his dishwashing friend>>
“Die monster die!!!”, screams Free Dave.
<<Free-Dave flies through the air with an axe. Free-Dave’s first strike frees
Hopskotch Sunday from the clutches of the reformed zombie cow. reformed as in
put back together from being hammered by a package truck; not as in reformed by
the ‘Merican’ prison system. the cow cow screams in anger. the cow continues to
reshape into a human sized and shaped being. it is now that you realize that the
cow on the roof of your brown package truck is wearing a dress. not just any dress
is the zombie cow on the hood of your stolen truck wearing, but specifically it is
wearing a nineteen nineties floral print grandmother dress. the zombie cow
continues to regrow and continues to scream. Hopskotch rolls off of the truck roof
and down the broken windshield to safety. the cow roars out Free-Dave’s name and
reaches a human hand out toward him. Free-Dave maniacally slashes off the cow’s
extended arm. the cow roars out and reaches the other biped out toward Free-
Dave; although out of axe reach. Free-Dave tosses the axe from hand-to-hand,
advancing on the zombie cow>>
“End this beast Free Dave, it’s past my bed time!”, yells Dasha from the ground.
<<the axe lands in Free-Dave’s black guy hand. the muscled mexican pushes
himself forward to strike. the windshield zombie starts to talk telepathically in
Free-Dave’s head. to the Friends down below, it looks like the Zombie Cow is a Jedi
Knight using the Force to hold Free-Dave’s axe hand at bay. inside Free-Dave’s head
the Zombie Cow is calling him brother, assuring Free-Dave that he is now one one
the Horde. the cow tells Free-Dave that the same blood flows through both of their
veins. the zombie politely insists Free-Dave immediately give in and help slaughter
the infidels on the ground below>>
“It’s what we do Bud.”, says the zombie cow inside Free Dave’s head.
Free Dave screams, “Nooooooo!”
<<Free-Dave drops the axe and falls to his knees clutching his head. Dasha and Star
climb to the brown package truck roof. Dasha pulls Free-Dave away from the cow.
Star raises a shotgun and blasts a hole in the head of the cow. the zombie staggers
back. blood flows down the cow’s nose like snot and around her eyes like tears. the
light goes out of Krang’s eyes and yet sHe does not fall off the roof of the truck. Star
kicks the cow in the chest and sends Krang down to the ground. in front of the
truck headlights, on the ground lay Krang, mother of Curtis the zombie cow kid.
the Fearful Five gather each-other back into the brown package truck. Curtis stares
at his dead mother from the field behind the parking lot of the Dick Monald’s next
door to the Block n’ Calls’ Sporting Good store>>
<<Finnegan, you are at the wheel. Star is in the passenger seat. Hopskotch and
Dasha sit with Free-Dave among the weapons, supples for the Friends, box of new
shoes for Henry Adams at 1215 Boyd street and other various parcels in the back of
the brown package truck>>
“Thanks Free Dave. You know, for saving my life.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.
<<Free-Dave nods to Hopskotch and thanks Dasha for saving his life. you folks are
just so adorable, what with all of your thank you’s and pats on the back. it is like
the human holiday thanksgiving inside of this brown package truck. i am full of
resentment. i have never been given a high five.>>
I’m sorry to hear that bud. if you weren’t a figment of my imagination, I would give you
some skin right now.
<<why settle for just your skin Finnegan? i get to feel you from the inside.>>
..finnegan ..blank face ..
<<virus blank face>>
<<moving on. Dasha asks Free-Dave,>> “What happened with the cow in a dress up
on the roof?” <<but who can explain what goes on inside Free-Dave’s mind even
when zombie cows do not intrude>>
Free Dave says, “There was a voice inside ma head sayin’ that the cow thing was my
mother and that she and I needed to kill you guys and run off together. I told it to quit
talkin’ nonsense and that it didn’t even know my mother, cause she’s dead. It tried to tell
me it was a different kind of mother and I said to quit talking about my momma sleeping
around. I told the cow that if it had anything to say to me, that it could talk to me with
her mouth and not this crazy brain speak. But she wouldn’t listen. I got so confused and
almost scared, but I don’t get scared. I listen to the Beagles, and the Beagles sing about
not giving into fear. The Beagles cured me of being weak. I told the reanimated meat
bag to stay outta my head and to make her peace with whatever god she was fond of. I
planned to kill her before you ladies got in the way. Lucky you didn’t get your pretty
little heads hurt something awful.”
<<you and Star half listen, and half go into your own little worlds. the two of you
have a semi-private conversation in the cab of the truck. Free-Dave prattles on
oblivious to the fact that he lost his audience>>
“Nice work back there Star.”, you say.
“Thank buddy. It reminded me of when that huge bouncer was trying to pull you and me
off stage back at that Ghost Dance concert back in ’08.”, says Star.
“Ummm…I well my alcohol memory doesn’t seem to recall that. Sorry buddy.”, you say.
“You know, the time you tried to throw that 275 pound pile of date rape off of the
Diamond Ballroom stage?”, Star insists.
<<civilizations crumble as you ponder the things you cannot remember times the
things you cannot forget>>
“I..I..I don’t remember much these days except missing my familial unit.”, you say to Star.
To the group as a whole you say, “lets return to my place to get organized and fed again.
What do you say? Post battle drinks in me. On me.”
<<every-one groans at your alcoholic joke. i mean really Finnegan, same jokes day
in and day out? you really need to switch up your routine>>
Don’t you judge me Virus! You try and helmet come up with new jokes. No funny
<<i think you’ve had enough. you start to talk about cooking your version of potato
lakes; which i gather are small pan fried potato cakes topped with sour cream. you
tell the recipe like it is a sex scene in an adventure story
and every one of the Friends laughs and gets excited about consuming food and the
opportunity to go rub one out in your shower.>>
<<it is then that the tornado sirens stop being silent. there is a sound of a sky
demon screaming as it descends upon it’s prey from the clouds. humans signal
other humans to prepare for danger with the auditory equivalent of a shot of
I’ll have a shot.
<<sure. how about a tall glass of shut the truck up there buddy-roo?>>
Got it chief.
<<the Flat Lands of the Oklahellmouth are infamous for their Seasonal Destruction
Portals from the Land of Oz. the tornado sirens are used to indicate weather
emergencies year round. the sky is clear tonight. the moon shines bright upon the
chaotic streets of Normal Towne>>
“I’m gonna turn the radio on.”, says Star as she does so.
<<the radio announcer states that Normal Towne is under some-thing called Martial
“All citizens are to vacate their houses and head to the ‘Football ‘Merican’-Style Stadium’,
located behind the over-priced bookstore next to the co-ed massage parlor in the center
of the Ticky Tacky University Campus.”, says an announcer.
“Well there goes my lunch again.”, says Free Dave.
“The police have been instructed to go from house to house, apartment to apartment and
classroom to classroom to find and neutralize the violent gang members that have been
attacking Normal Towne Citizens this entire day.”, continues the Announcer in a stern
tone with a subdued voice.
“That guy sounds like he’s quite doped up.”, says Dasha.
<<the announcer stops talking, the tornado siren wakes up and shrieks again. after
ten seconds of ear pain a recorded voice is heard over the cyclone siren speakers,>>
“Go to the stadium. You will be safe.”
<<the voice repeats this phrase over and over again. the twister alarm’s volume is
lowered and the phrase seems to float on indefinitely. like a mantra through the
city speakers. go to the stadium and you will be safe go to the stadium and you will
be safe go to the stadium Finnegan, you know you want to>>
“So obviously we don’t want to go to the stadium.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.
“I think we do want to go to the stadium, just not inside with all of the other citizen
prisoners.”, says Dasha.
“So your saying after we get food and booze…”, you start.
<<the Friends object that the food/booze break was out of the question. you
however insist that you all stop by your house to stash extra weapons in your
studio, incase they are needed at a later time.>>
“We can take the nourishment to go.”, you say.
<<Hopskotch and Star and Dasha and Free-Dave all realize that your main goal is to
visit your supply of liquor; but all of the friends are hungry so they finally agree.>>
&&friends in van on the road in normal towne&&
<<Hopskotch at the wheel and Finnegan fresh from your bottle, the Fearless Five
decide to scope out the streets of Normal Towne and see just how close you all can
get to the ‘Football ‘Merican’-Style!!! Stadium’ with-out being devoured by my
children. honestly Finnegan, i do not know why you are worried about being eaten.
after a couple bites off of you, i am most certain the average zombie cow would fall
over undead drunk>>
“The Howdy Partner looks empty, the Bucket o’ Blood still demolished.”, says Star.
<<although the rubble has been rearranged since you all last came by…>>
“The Belly Bar is actually being guarded by assault rifle wielding police. Does anyone
else have a great government conspiracy theory brewing inside their brain?”, asks
“I told you the cows ain’t talkin’ to me no more damnit!!”, says Free Dave defensively.
<<Hopskotch stops the brown package truck and everyone turns and stares at Free-
Dave with more concern than usual in their eyes>>
“Ummmm… Can you really see outta that busted windshield Hopskotch?”, says Free
Dave. <<in an attempt to break the sudden awkward silence>>
<<Finnegan, you swear that you see the Reverend Duff (Mostly High) having a drink
in the Belly Bar front window as the package car drives by>>
“There are cows and cops wandering the streets.”, you say.
<<monsters of two species roam in several locations throughout the town, but they
do not seem to be at odds with one another. at certain intersections there are
police road blocks. Hopskotch Sunday uses all of his black man super powers to
avoid these road blocks. the street that lead to the ‘Football ‘Merican’-Style!!!
Stadium are clear of both cops and cows>>
“That’s odd isn’t it?”, you ask.
“What is?”, Dasha replies.
“There are clusters of humans staggering toward the stadium. And none of them are
being attacked by the cows on the streets nearby” you say.
“It’s like the cows want them to go to the stadium too.”, Hopskotch says.
“Yeah, all these people are walking on foot, carrying their favorite possessions and the
things that are supposed to be after them…aren’t.”, Free Dave says.
<<Hopskotch drives the truck up to the rear side of a Ticky Tacky University
parking garage. the garage is a block away and across from the ‘Football ‘Merican’-
Style!!! Stadium. the Frightened Five silently climb the levels of the parking garage,
weapons in hand you all have left the brown package truck parked hanging
halfway out of some bushes behind the garage. the parking garage is full of cars
and eerily quiet. you and the Friends reach the top level of the garage without
incident. at several points during you and your buddies’ college town careers, each
of you have attended one of the free concerts held a-top of this parking garage.
popular touring bands of the day like Sleepy Time Gorilla Museum, the Drive by
Truckers, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult and the LunaChicks have played here.
but none of those shows could have prepared you for the event you and the Friends
see looking across the street at the brightly lit stadium. there is a line of humans
visible from the parking garage rooftop; visible for three blocks back. the “god
people” of Normal Towne wait patiently for Death>>
“Holy bag of dog dicks…”, says Dasha. <<after gasping>>
<<Star grabs Dasha’s hand for support when she also sees what is going on inside
the ‘Football ‘Merican’-Style Stadium. at the stadium entrance are several police
officers mechanically taking note of the citizens who enter. the citizens are being
admitted two at a time>>
“This is the creepiest game day that I have ever seen. In Normal Towne.”, says Free Dave.
<<you want to ask where and what game day was weirder than this, but your view
from atop the parking garage fills you with the need to empty bowel and bladder.
several lines of people on the inside of the stadium lead to a giant partition that has
been erected to divide the stadium in half. the stadium entrance and first 75 yards
or so is apparently the waiting area. the other side, behind the great wall is a kill
floor. it is very similar in appearance to a slaughterhouse at a meat packing
facility. a nice renovation of your sport complex if you ask me Finnegan>>
Glad I did not ask you.
<<ok, moving on. this side of the wall is a horror show of cows and humans
(working for/with the cows) snatching each newly admitted Normal Townie as they
walk through one of the six doorways in the giant stadium partition. the Normalite
human is bound tight by cows with human hands, where cow hooves once were>>
Normalite? Normal Townie? What the fuck Virus?
<<hey i get tired of repeating the phrase, “Normal Towne Citizen” inside your head
over and over. i figure if i am bored of it than you must be tired of it as-well… what
would you call the annoying local humans?>>
i don’t know…N.T. People?
No. Well… Some of them, maybe… How about “Towns Folk?” or maybe Normalians?
Yeah! I like that. Normaliens.
<<right. the “towns folk” would be bound tight by cows with human hands, where
cow hooves once were. the source of the cows’ stolen hands is apparent to you and
the rest of the Frightened Five. the “Normalien” hands are being harvested from
those seeking refuge in the ‘Football ‘Merican’-Style Stadium’. you and the Friends
all look at each-other in horror and then turn to run. you are all stopped in your
tracks by a familiar voice>>
“Well if it isn’t Junior, Hop-a-Long and their little friends”, says Notnek.
<<Notnek stands 4 meters away from you and the Friends, with his arms crossed, a
wild hungry look in his eyes and a smile upon his blood stained mouth. a mouth
only a murderer could lust. Notnek has blood dripping from his crossed arms. his
should-be trade marked Hawaiian shirt is torn, frayed and stained with blood was
well. one of Notnek’s hands holds a machete. your former Boss is wearing his usual
faded jean shorts, now holy (i think i can see his crotch!) and naked feet.>>
Have I told you lately that I hate you?
<<once or twice. on each side of Notnek stands a one meter short hamburger with a
face, and a pair of legs protruding from a pair of human underwear. one
hamburger monster wears tighty whiteys, the other is wearing a pair of panties
with the word ‘juicy’ printed across the crotch and ass. next to the hamburger
monster to the right of Notnek stands a zombie cow with a pair of human arms and
hands in addition to it’s four cow legs. this monster glances at you and Hopskotch
and Free Dave indifferently; but he raises a human hand to point at Dasha and
“I’ll see the insides of you two. You’ll pay for what you did to my momma.”, says Curtis.
“There will be time to mutilate Junior’s friends later Curtis. We need their help in
securing control of the stadium.”, says Notnek.
“We would love to help you out Boss…”, you start.
“But we’ve got to return some over due library books. You guys enjoy the game.”, says
<<Notnek chuckles and holds up a hand to stop you and the friends’ departure>>
“Hold on Hop-a-long. you Junior and Free Dave are still on the clock. I need you and the
rest of the help to aide me in securing my position as the new Normal Towne Mayor.”,
<<the two hamburger monsters smile, displaying mouths full of razor sharp teeth.
Curtis flexes the muscles on his human arms. you definitely going to lose your
lunch money today Finnegan>>