37 Fat Max vs. Zombie Deer

Fat Max vs. Zombie Deer

 

“As a deer pants for flowing streams,

   so pants my soul for you, O God.

2

My soul thirsts for God,

   for the living God.

When shall I come and appear before God?[b]

3

My tears have been my food

   day and night,

while they say to me all the day long,

   “Where is your God?”

4

These things I remember,

   as I pour out my soul:

how I would go with the throng

   and lead them in procession to the house of God

with glad shouts and songs of praise,

   a multitude keeping festival.

5

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

   and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

   my salvation[c] 6 and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;

   therefore I remember you

from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,

   from Mount Mizar.

7

Deep calls to deep

   at the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your waves

   have gone over me.

8

By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,

   and at night his song is with me,

   a prayer to the God of my life.

9

I say to God, my rock:

   “Why have you forgotten me?

Why do I go mourning

   because of the oppression of the enemy?”

10

As with a deadly wound in my bones,

   my adversaries taunt me,

while they say to me all the day long,

   “Where is your God?”

11

Why are you cast down, O my soul,

   and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

   my salvation and my God.”

 

– Psalm 42 – The Bible (ESV)

      

 

“I can’t believe they banned me from the gas station restroom.”, begins Fat Max.

 

<<Fat Max is complaining to himself because he has no one else to listen to him play

the organ grinder>>

 

“You shit all over the place.  Everyday!  No more asshat!” <<cried the Evil Clerk, as he

ran from behind the counter and stood between Fat Max and the restroom door>>

 

<<he is Fat Max, decimator of the public toilet.  his chemically engineered food

consumption has grown so out of control, that Fat Max is unable to properly

defecate without demoralizing the facilities at which he unburdens his body.  such

is the size of that body, due to the processed food products that have been

consumed.  these products were created for the sole purpose of keeping humans

strung out on the tantalizing fake food flavors.  Fat Max had already laid waste to

his own personal restroom; so into the public realm he fled to make his dreadful

deposits>>

 

“My path of destruction is not my fault……I am but the puppet of the flavor chemists and

their shareholders.  Yes, I would like to go with the extra value meal.  Thank you very

much.  And make it a diet cola, please.  I’m watching my weight.  It does tricks.”  <<says

Fat Max to Fat Max in self directed rant>>

 

<<Fat Max has been in the hunter’s tree house for three long hours now.  his legs

hurt, his ass is sore, and he is all out of beef jerky.  Fat Max’s desire to commune

with nature has dissipated since he drank the last of his camouflage colored cans of

beer.  Fat Max wanted to go home.  he wanted to know if his girlfriend, Shelly, was

really hanging out at her friend Jennifer’s house like she told him she would be.  Fat

Max feared that Shelly was really over at her ex-boyfriend Lyle Kubber’s house.  Fat

Max hated Lyle Kubbers.  Fat Max hated Jennifer.  in truth, Fat Max hated lots of

folks, but he had an extra about of hatred for Lyle Kubbers and Jennifer>>

 

<<Lyle Kubbers had this habit of sodomizing Shelly and then calling Fat Max to tell

him about it.  Fat hated it when Shelly cheated on him, but he did find Lyle Kubbers’

phone calls oddly arousing.  no doubt about it, Lyle Kubbers was an asshole to Fat

Max; but Jennifer was far worse in Fat Max’s mind.  Jennifer liked to make fun of

Fat and his aspirations to hunt and live off the land.  Jennifer told Fat that his hopes

and dreams were stupid.  Jennifer then said  that since Fat Max wasn’t even able to

keep his own bathroom functional; then Fat probably would not be able to

accomplish any of the things he loved about life.>>

 

“It’s never too late to give up.” <<Jennifer would often say to Fat Max when he came to her house to pick up Shelly>>

 

<<Jennifer also enjoyed ridiculing Fat Max for his love of Nascar.  the only sports

that Fat Max cared about were hunting and Nascar racing.  they were the only

things that Fat Max’s no good dad, Riley, had left him.>>

 

“Turn left, turn left, turn left and shoot anything that moves.”  <<Riley Max would

advise Fat Max before sending him off to school everyday>>

 

<<Riley Max loved Nascar, a lot.  Riley loved it so much that one day he left little Fat

and his momma to go and become a member of Nascar Steve’s pit crew.  Fat Max

hated Nascar Steve for the feelings desolation ever since.  once the boy’s hero, and

then the object of his rage; Nascar Steve knew nothing of Fat Max, unless Riley

informed him about the forgotten son.  Fat Max had little hope that his former

father told his former racing idol anything about Fat Max and the home that Riley

walked away from.  Fat Max missed his dad.  back in the tree, back from the trip

down memory lane; Fat Max needed to pee>>

 

<<mulling over the thoughts replaying inside his Fat Max head, a deer walks into

Fat Max’s field of view.  the buck breaks from the cover of forest and walks ten feet

into the meadow before he notices Fat.  Fat Max slowly brings up the heavy 26 inch

barrel of his Remington Steele Sniper SF II rifle (7mm Rem. Mag.) and takes aim,

looking through his scope.  Fat Max notices there is something wrong with this

animal.  first off the buck does not appear to be interested in finding the doe who

produced the urine Fat Max used to lure horny male deer into the clearing.  second

oddity Fat Max sees is some blood and flesh hanging from the antlers.  the third and

most alarming difference between this deer and others that Fat Max has shot at, is

that this buck is not fleeing at the sight of a human…he is walking toward the tree

that Fat is sitting in>>

 

<<at first this excited Fat Max.  he would not have to walk as far to retrieve his kill

after shooting the deer down.  but after the first two bullets passed through the

buck’s chest and he still walked toward Fat Max; the excitement wore off.  the deer

left a trail of bright red blood on the grass where it fell.  the deer kept walking.  the

blood crawled after the deer.  Fat Max kept shooting.  the sound of gun powder

exploding over powers the sound of Fat Max screaming in terror as the deer climbs

up the tree.  inching like a worm, the deer’s hooves separate into hooks that give

him purchase on the tree.  thoughts of horrible death run through his mind as he

empties his gun and then his bowels upon the zombie deer.  a man not un

accustomed to having shit in his pants, Fat Max leaps down from the tree and

makes a break for the trees behind him.  the zombie deer jumps down and follows

suit.  Fat Max makes his way quickly through the sparse group of trees that

separate him from the highway up a head.  Fat Max hears traffic speeding past, he

hears his own heavy breathing and he hears the deer closing them distance

between them.  Fat Max reaches the highway just as the deer reaches him.  the deer

lunges onto Fat Max’s back and bites his neck.  the two struggle their way into

oncoming traffic.  Fat Max desperately tries to pull the buck’s mouth off his neck.  a

loud truck horn blast distracts both man and zombie.  the two beings look up just in

time to see the head lights of the semi-truck that runs them over.  pummeled by a

truck traveling at sixty five miles per hour and thrown under its eighteen wheels;

Fat Max and Zombie deer are ripped apart and thrown the the other side of the

highway.>>

 

<<an hour later, the semi-truck driver tries to quiet his sobbing and explain to the

emergency service responders what took place.  the body parts that could be found

have been piled together, somewhat neatly on a plastic tarp, on the side of the

highway.  Fat Max was pronounced dead by the Oklahellmouth Highway Patrol; but

that evening something new walks away from the humans trying to get the

overturned semi-truck off the road.  a human face sticking out of the gaping mouth

of a deer, horns on its head, a human torso and arms upon the reassembled body

and four legs of the zombie deer.  Fat Max has transformed from the Gas Station

Shit Bandit of the Oklahellmouth, into one fucked up looking centaur>>

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