The Sexy Magick of Money
“According to occult author and conspiracy theorist, Wombat Anton Rileyson,
there could or could not be an ancient group of magicians running the modern world.
I am here to tell you, and all of the same-thinking/talking heads out there, that we all
know that there is no such thing as magic. Spell it with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’ and it is BUNK all the
same. There is only the illusion of reality and our attempts to conform us to it, or it
– Lush Rimbaugh, West ‘Merican’ Radio Talky Show Host
<<the illuminati, loosely translated as “the illuminated ones”, is a self described,
select group of magicians and polymaths who claimed to know the inner workings
of the world, the universe, and reality itself. the group has surfaced several times
throughout history; most notably —the revolution in Corcyra, —the Athenian
Revolution, —the French Revolution during the 1790’s, the ‘Merican’ Revolution
(the one 260-ish years ago), the Arab Spring Uprising, and perhaps their greatest
victory: covering up the fact that the Starr Tech sci-fi television show is a reality
series from the not-so distant future. just like Today’s “History Channel”, the
programs loosely documented Earth’s actual factual history. many times when they
resurface, the “current” illuminati deny the pronouncements, credibility and even
the very existence of the previous illuminati. the illuminati was banished from
your timeline by the Council on Foreign Relations during the first term of ‘Merican’
President gAberaham sLinkcolin (the one in the 19th century). this was long before
the CFR altered the meaning of their acronym, but not their purpose…>>
“One should think for oneself and question authority.”
— Limotye Teariny, former Haawvard Professor (currently in hiding)
<<Doctor Teariny was once called ‘the most dangerous man in ‘Merica.’’ by
President Reichard ‘Dick Trick’ Vixen. i believe this is because according to the
records of your human history, Doctor Teariny did think for himself; and this pissed
off the Powers That Be. through the ‘Merican’ institutions of higher learning, the
P.T.B. chased Limotye Teariny out of the education system. Doctor Teariny then
made waves among crowds of thinking proletariates. if there is one thing that
pisses off and strikes fear into the heart of any government; it is a crowd of
thinking proletariates. several ‘Merican’ government agencies with three letter
acronym names chased Doctor Limotye Teariny out of West ‘Merica’. first banned
from Haawvard University for thinking outside the box and then banned from his
homeland for encouraging others to do so as swell; Teariny has spent much of his
days on the run. Teariny is a man persecuted across his timeline.>>
<<Limotye Teariny’s dead. no, no, no, no, no, no, no…he is outside…and he is
looking in… i am the horde….no, no, no, yes, i am the individual. no, i am society.
and i am inside…looking out>>
You are fucking weird. That is what you are man. A weird fucking virus bouncing
around inside my brain. Telling me nonsensical, nonlinear stories that don’t mean shit
<<you you you. i see how it is. well relating to you, Doctor Limotye Teariny was a
doctor, much like your doctor. persecuted for his advancements in his field of
health care. your husband made the dentists mad for infringing upon their racket.
Teariny made the educators upset when they percieved the he was infringing upon
their educational pyramid scheme. the good Doctor Teariny utilized and promoted
the use of psychotropic drugs to expand the human consciousness and progress
society beyond the current self imposed limits. this effort eventually got him
kicked out of the general public’s “kool kid klub”, but it did put him in the sights of
a private group of intellectuals. this group is known as the Brohemian Club.>>
F: Ok. Ok. I get it. I should cut Ruben some slack for running off with my child, our
child, because he is a misunderstood scientist. Is that what you are getting at Virus?
<<i am getting at, if you will let me get at it…is that Ace L’Argent du Sang (father of
Doctor Ruben L’Argent du Sang) is founder of the Cajun illuminati and chair of the
Brohemian Club. so you see, dear Finnegan, i was talking about you, you, you, this
F: Aren’t I the fortunate one…
<<yes. yes you are. you get to hang out with me!>>
<<back to my narrative. Yukio turns to his brother IshiZuka (whom he endearingly
“Did you know that poker was invented by pirates in Naw Leans?”, says Yukio.
“No Yukio. I did not know that.”, replies IshiZuka.
<<IshiZuka is driving the Big Man’s shiny tiny car, and is a bit annoyed at his older
brother still. Yukio has been sitting in the back seat since they picked up the Doctor
from his laboratory back in McCow Towne. Doctor L’Argent du Sang is sitting in the
passenger seat of the Big Man’s shiny foreign automobile. he has been
uncomfortable and also annoyed Yukio. Yukio keeps passing gas around from the
back seat and has cloaked the entire car in his stench. even with the windows
rolled down. the car smells like the inside of Yukio’s butt. Yukio reads from a
collection of papers he printed off of the internet; oblivious to the stench and the
effect it has on his fellow travelers>>
“The sailors who went to the French Quarter seeking pleasure, during their shore leave,
would make bets on various card games. In one game a handful of sailors would be
dealt three cards each. Then they would wager who had the most cards of one suit <<a
particular picture found on every playing card. there were several different ones
repeated throughout the card deck>> and whose cards added up to the highest
number.”, Yukio says.
<<Yukio had become interested in government and occult conspiracy the previous
year and has been educating IshiZuka with the findings of his internet “research”
‘My father came to Naw Leans as a boy from France in the late 1880’s.”, says Doctor
L’Argent du Sang.
“Really?”, say Yukio and IshiZuka. <<almost at the same time>>
“Yeah, well…that’s what my pop wrote in his letters. This was before the time of West
and East ‘Merica’ obviously.”, says the Doctor.
“Obviously.”, say IshiZuka and Yukio. <<this time in perfect unison. this
synchronicity creeps the Doctor out>>
“Tronald Dump says he invented Poker back in his days of running the Russian(SIC)
Mafia.”, says Yukio <<with a grin>>
<<IshiZuka turns to the Doctor and says,>> “Phone call from the island Doctor.”
“Hello?”, says the Doctor. <<Doctor L’Argent du Sang speaks into a handheld cellular
phone that IshiZuka puts into his hands.>>
“My good doctor! Its Lush Rimbaugh from the Non-Binary Independent Reporters
League! I just wanted to touch base with you and get your assurance that you and the
little one would be on the next train out of town. Also, side note, did you release the
Virus?”, says Lush Rimbaugh <<a false friendly voice from the phone>>
“What? Oh yes, yes, of course. The Virus is out and my child and I soon will be too. Is
my father there? Is he going to be?”, says the Doctor.
“Great! Can’t wait to see you! The science team here can’t wait to meet with you and to
discuss your findings! Have a great trip. Well talk soon!”, says Lush Rimbaugh.
<<the Doctor hands the phone back to the Samo Brother in the front seat>> “Puedo
sentir el latido de mi corazon en los dedos.” says the Doctor.
“What?”, asks IshiZuka.
“He said something about feeling his heartbeat in his fingertips. Maybe the Doctor is
having a heart attack Zukio!”, says Yukio.
“Are you having a heart attack Doctor Sang?”, asks IshiZuka.
“What? No. No..I was just thinking out loud.”, says the Doctor. <<he trails off in mid-thought, and stares out of the car window>>
“And are you illuminated Doctor Sang?”, the Brothers ask in sync.
“Hey, are you guys brothers?”, asks the Doctor.
<<the Brothers grin at each other via the rearview mirror. their grins are large and
toothy, as they have no other kind. the unnerved Doctor is further unhinged and he
chooses to become quiet. IshiZuka pulls the car into a driveway in front of a middle
class home just north of Ticky Tacky University, heart of Normal Towne, ‘Merica’.
the Doctor just stares out of the front window of the vehicle. he knows that Yukio is
staring at the back of his head, waiting for the Doctor to make his move. IshiZuka
opens the driver’s side door and exits the vehicle. the giant walks around the from
of the Boss Man’s shiny tiny foreign car and opens Doctor L’Argent du Sang’s door.>>
“The next train leaves for the greater north west in one hour. We are expected to have
this car on it. With you inside. Please take care of your personal business now.”, says
<<the giant brother holds the door open for the hesitant Doctor and patiently waits.
Yukio is not so patient and kicks the Doctor’s seat from behind.>>
“Hey Doc, make it snappy and I will let you have the back seats all to yourselves. I want
to ride up front with Zukio and play The Local Martyrs C.D. that I bought from that cook,
Tim Duck. He said it was his buddy’s band. One of the band members is from your old
home town.”, says Yukio.
<<Yukio slaps the Doctor on the shoulder as he talks, and holds up the case of the
C.D. the Doctor looks at the album cover in a daze, his mind is full of confusion and
concern. the cover of The Local Martyrs album shows a man playing a black guitar
and a woman drumming on a 5 gallon bucket. the two musicians are floating on a
raft in a sea of red wine. there is a wine box in the sky, where the sun should be.
the box has the words ‘Jesus Juice’ printed on it. the Doctor thinks this is familiar
for some reason; but before he can put much thought into it, Yukio pulls the C.D.
away and bounces out of his back seat. seconds later Yukio is pulling the Doctor out
of the car and pushing him toward the house. as the Doctor starts to walk by
himself up to the house a child runs out of the front door yelling, “Daddy!!”>>