As the Hangover Turns
<<tickets, which represent the orders of the customers out in the dining area, start
to print off the printer next to the microwave. the microwave on the top shelf of
the serving line, located in front of your pretty face.>>
<<do not mention it. as the tickets print, the sound beckons Hopskotch to come
over from the dish pit to the salad line and assume his position. he and Free Dave
(from Grill Land) listen to Ring Master Finnegan call out the first order of the day.
you turn around and retrieve a pair of crabby patties to cook on the flat top grill.
then you reach on the cooler behind Hopskotch for some chutney to serve along
side the crabby patties in a plastic ramekin. there is hardly a spoonful of chutney
in the container.>>
“Shit. Hey Hopskotch, could you run to the walk-in and grab the chutney back-up?”, you
“Sure thing. Damn Free Dave, I thought your Beegals lovin’ ass stocked the line?”, says
<<Hopskotch leaves the line and walks back to the walk-in refrigerator, where all
the food back-ups and un-prepared produce and beer live.>>
“Dammit I did! I was a bit drunk still, so I mighta missed some stuff…like everything
down there.”, slurs Free Dave. <<to no one in particular>>
<<Free Dave stops poking the hamburgers on his grill and points to the salad line
and the bread rack and the sauce refrigerator>>
“And back the fuck off the Beegals dude.”, adds Free Dave. <<in a butt-hurt and
“Damn Free Dave, I asked you to stock the line and tell me if we were out of anything.
It’s not that fucking hard to make sauces is it? Or just to let somebody else know that it
needs to be done?”, you say. <<speaking angry-dad style at your co-worker/minion>>
<<Free Dave ignores you completely. Hopskotch returns to the cooking line empty
handed and says,>>
“Well, we do not have a back-up of chutney made. The night crew was supposed to make
sauces during last night’s down time. Wait, didn’t you and Notnek run the show last
night after Boss got you out of jail Free Dave?”
“Blow me, Token Black Guy.”, says Free Dave.
<<without taking his eyes off the hamburger he is burning>>
“Oh I’m gonna token black guy that ass Free!!”, Hopskotch yells.
<<Hopskotch does not in fact use his clenched fists to attack Free Dave in retaliation
for the racial slur; but instead walks out of the aforementioned kitchen/dining
room door and informs Angel, the Bartender, about the restaurant’s complete lack
of chutney. Hopskotch then returns to the cooking line and goes back to making
various customer’s salads and sandwiches. Finnegan, you shake your head and
start to call out meat items for Free Dave to grill and salad items for Hopskotch to
assemble. In the middle of the second order you are calling out, Notnek barges into
the kitchen and bellows,>>
“Junior!! Why, in the fuck are we out of chutney?!”
<<blue veins pulse in Notnek’s neck and the throbbing temples of his head. rage
emanates from his Hawaiian print shirt>>
“Because, lucky you, you own a popular and moderately successful restaurant that folks
eat at everyday?”, you say indignantly.
<<an angry dad growl escapes through Notnek’s clenched teeth>>
“Don’t look at me Boss. It was your boy Free Dave’s job to stock that end of the line this
morning, back around drunk thirty.”, you say.
<<you throw your co-worker under the bus and raise your hands in a “do-not-shoot-
“I don’t pay his drunk ass to run this kitchen, I pay your drunk ass!! Make some gawd
damn chutney!!”, screams Notnek.
<<Boss stomps out of the kitchen with clenched fists. the Waitresses scramble out
of his way>>
“I think that went well.”, says Free Dave.
“Hey Free Dave, I’m gonna go start some chutney. When I get back you can take another
smoke break with my big black cock.”, says Hopskotch.
<<Hopskotch grabs a metal pot from over head with his right hand, grabs his
genitals with his left hand and nods his head at Free Dave. your two co-workers
lock eyes in hostility before Hopskotch heads to the walk-in cooler for chutney
“I’m just gonna make these people food and talk to my vagina…”, you say to yourself.
<<the Cook, the Dishwasher, the Free Dave, the Waitress’s (what were their names
again?) and the Notnek feed three hundred of their closest friends (what were their
names again?) during the lunch rush. the day shift at the Bucket o’ Blood winds
down to a close. one Waitress quits (with only minimal encouragement from
Notnek), another Waitress silently vows to re-enroll in college as soon as this shift
is over, and Theta and Angel sip mind numb rum from styrofoam cups as they
count their tips>>
<<Lawyer Bob, a fixture at the Bucket o’ Blood bar during lunch hour, asks Angel,>>
“Hey Love, can I talk you out of another glass of gin?”
“Sure thing Bob.”, says Angel with a smile.
<<upon reflection Bob then asks Angel for,>> “Some beer battered fried shrimp
thingies and Angel Honey, don’t you think it’s time to take off that 18 hour bra?” I mean,
Freedom is the ‘Merican’ way. Free the ta-ta’s. You deserve it.”
<<Notnek and another customer nearby chuckles, and Angel responds to Lawyer
Bob with a middle finger and a glass of gin. she then wipes off the bar before
heading back to the kitchenette order a seafood heart attack for the barfly lawyer.
in a restaurant there is always more work to do before doing more work>>
<<Lawyer Bob looks over at another obese man at the bar, raises his high-ball glass
of gin and asks the man,>> “Why are we killing ourselves by eating all this unhealthy
<<the whiskey swilling, yet life savvy customer answers,>> “Because it beats the hell
outta eating lead for lunch!”
<<Lawyer Bob and obese Whiskey man laugh heartily at this joke. Whiskey man
then adds,>> “I sure am glad that the food ain’t trying to eat us tho!”
<<Whiskey man then raises his hamburger and pretends that it is a mouth trying to
bit him in the neck. the two barfly men play with their food at the bar and
occasionally stare at the Waitress’s and the Bartender’s rear ends as they work. the
Waitress’s (hold on i have their names…no i lost them) clean tables and take dishes
back into the kitchen. Angel walks back to the kitchen to check on the order of
Lawyer Bob’s cancer causing food>>
“Can I get those shrimp sticks please?”, asks Angel.
<<Angel stares through the cook line windows at the kitchen crew. she sees the
cook side of the kitchen as a painting or a video. there are three metal tables and
refrigerators and/or freezers that separate the Waitress’s air conditioned and
customer inhabited world from the Cook’s world of heat, fire, smoke and grease.
everything on the Cook’s side of the line is covered in a layer of grease. this is true
of the Cook and her insides. Angel knows this from brief embraces in the well
stocked walk-in. Finnegan, you are handsie.>>
I..uh..well i appreciate beauty.
<<indeed. the Waitresses and their side of the line is also contaminated. everything
there is covered in customer residue. the customer residue is a mixture of sticky,
needy hands and of desire. the desire to be fed and cared for. this emanates from
all humans, but comes in overpowering quantities from customers.>>
You’re a philosopher. How cute. That’s actually kind of hot. Even from the imaginary
fiend inside my head.
<<everyone is a critic Finnegan. you know what else is hot? melted animal fat
inside the kitchen grease. the grease residue is the product of burning the blood of
the earth to heat up the muscles and fat of the animals of the earth to the
Department of Serving Humans’ regulation temperatures. Angel thinks about this
as she watches everyone on the Cook side of the line ignore her food order.
Hopskotch is washing the sink full of dishes. Free Dave is moving grease around in
a circle with a broom. you are wandering around writing down your produce order
for the afternoon>>
“Yo! The lady who feeds your alcohol habit needs your service.”, Angel hollers.
<<she hollers at everyone, but mainly to you as she waives the bar ticket in her
“Yes indeed Love. One of us is on our way to fulfill your needs, in whatever manner you
desire.”, you say. <<with a faux innocent smile on your pretty mouth>>
<<Angel, Hopskotch and Free Dave all have a laugh. good times watching humans
enjoying yourselves. the Dishwasher, the Cook and the Bartender look to Free
Dave, expecting him to take the frozen processed shrimp meat out of the freezer he
is standing directly in front of and put it into the fryer (which is on his other side)
Free Dave does neither of these things. he looks from the ice box on his right side
to the bubbling oil on his left side. he shrugs his shoulders and puts his greasy
broom to rest against the freezer>>
“I’m goin ta smoke.”, says Free Dave
<<he says this with great emphasis on the “o” in smoke. it almost sounds as if he is
declaring that he is going out to choke. Free Dave takes off his apron and throws it
on Notnek’s desk as he helps himself to another of the Boss’ cigarettes on the way
out the Black Metal BackDoor of the Bucket o’ Blood>>
“The fuck?!”, says Angel. <<she slams the bar ticket down on the food pick up table.
the fabled dividing line between cook and waitstaff territory. you turn toward
Hopskotch and say,>>
“Rock Paper Scissors?”
“Naww I’ve got it buddy. You finish your order. I need to spend some quality time
staring at Theta’s ass anyway.”, says Hopskotch.
<<Hopskotch rinses off his dish soaped hands and towels them off on his apron
during his walk down the line toward fridge, freezer and fryer>>
“Well good luck with that ass buddy.”, you say.
<<you force a smile on your human face and remember to write down frozen
chutney chilis on your produce order. as you walk up to the front of the house, you
notice that Theta is indeed rotating her rear bumper in the general direction of the
kitchen. men and women are really weird, you know that right Finnegan?>>
I know that’s right…
<<ha! i see what you did there>>
<<after watching Hopskotch watch Theta shake her money-maker, you walk around
Theta and up to the middle of the bar, where Angel is drying high ball glasses with a
“Need anything Love?”, you ask Angel. <<tapping your order notepad>>
“Other than a new life?”, says Angel.
“For the bar, food service items from our good buddy Torch.”, you say.
<<it is best to clarify your questions around these people i have noticed>>
“Let me check.”, Angel says. <<she opens cabinets behind the bar>>
“I need a case of pineapple juice and a couple bottles of grenadine please.”
<<you write the times on your list and are turning to head back into the kitchen.
two steps away from the bar you hear,>>
“Well how’s it going miss Finnegan?”
<<it is Lawyer Bob, at the end of the bar, drinking his lunch and looking for a buddy
to talk to. you like Lawyer Bob and enjoy the conversations the two of you have,
even when he is mainly talking to your breasts>>
Yeah, it’s never awkward here at the Bucket o’ Blood.
<<indeed. other than fried shrimp and mass quantities of expensive liquor, Lawyer
Bob has great taste in healthy food. it was he who introduced you to the delicious
super grain, Quinoa>>
“When is the Bucket o’ Blood gonna start serving some healthy whole grain dishes
Finnegan?”, asks Lawyer Bob.
“Well I tried to talk to Notnek about it the other day, and he said; that while generally
these days, a woman’s place is not necessarily the kitchen, mine is. So I had better ‘keen-
waa’ my ass back there.”, you say.
<<Notnek returns to the bar from parts elsewhere>>
“Did I really say that Junior?”, Notnek asks.
“Yup.”, you say.
“Huh, that was pretty good. I’m getting quite a way with words. Hanging out with you
annoying college kids must be rubbing off on me. Speaking of rubbing off, get back in
the kitchen Junior.”, Notnek says.
<<Notnek turns to Lawyer Bob and laughs. “Harr dee Harr Harr” is all you hear from
Notnek, Lawyer Bob and Angel, as you head back to your den of inequity>>
“I really hope something unpleasant happens to that guy.”, you mutter to yourself.
&&&drawing of the painting below&&&
<<you pass by Free Dave. both of you are on your way back to the kitchen. you
walk straight through the front room of the kitchen, past Hopskotch cooking on the
line to your left and the dish pit on your right. you walking the back kitchen room
and out of the Black Metal BackDoor on your right. you check the shed and the
coffin freezer for more missing supplies to order. you think back to a painting that
you did of Lawyer Bob riding a rainbow puking unicorn standing next to Notnek
drinking beer in his undies. you wonder whatever happened to that painting. oh
wait, your memories (swimming in a sea of booze they be) show that you sold the
piece of art to a gypsy woman through an online auction a year or so back. perhaps
your art child is out there on the road; much like your human child Baby Thor. you
sit down in the shed and cry for all your missing pieces. since your breathing seems
to be unaffected by your sobbing, you end your crying jag and smoke some cannabis
before calling in your food order to Rickie Torch, the food service extraordinaire>>
<<the phone calls with Torch always go something like this:>>
You: Hello Torch?
Torch: What’s shakin’ Gorgeous? I’ve got what you need, merely say the word and I’ll
give it to you!
You: Jeeze man. Is your night job drug sales or prostitute rental?
Torch: What do you mean Pussy Cat? I deal delicious food 24/7!
You: Right then, here’s what the restaurant needs by tomorrow, 4 cases of russet
potatoes, 2 cases of tomatoes, 1 bunch of carrots, 5 lbs of sliced red onions, 50 lbs of
whole yellow onions, 1 case of iceberg lettuce, 1 case of romaine lettuce, 1 case of
avocados, 1 case of napkins, 1 case of grenadine, 1 case of god-damn chutney, 1 block of
cheddar, 1 case of swiss, 2 cases of fryer oil, and Notnek wants a case of the new super
cheap meat you conned him into trying…
Torch: I’ll give you all that and every inch of sweet lovin’ I’ve got pretty little lady. See
you in the morning, have a sexalent evening!
<<after finishing your food order and reminding Notnek to file sexual harassment
charges against Food Representative Torch (Notnek just laughs and sips his beer)
you head back to the kitchen and help with the lunch rush restock/re-clean work>>
<<you survey the scene: Free Dave is cooking a hamburger on the grill. Hopskotch
is assembling five different salads and two different sandwiches at the salad end of
the line. the Waitresses are placing all of the lunch customers’ dirty dishes into a
bus tub for Hopskotch to wash. as soon as they notice you walk into the kitchen:
both Free Dave and Hopskotch look first at you, and then at each other, and then at
the growing pile of dirty dishes, and then back at the food being prepared.
everyone’s eyes bounce from one wordk load to the next. Hopskotch continues to
work. Free Dave flips the burger he has been cooking onto a hamburger bun on a
plate. he then walks over to the salad line side and reaches infront of Hopskotch,
takes a scoop of sandwich sauce and spreads it on the top bun before closing the
hamburger sandwich. Free Dave throws the sauce scoop back over Hopskotch’s
salad assembling hands. Hopskotch looks up at his co-worker in disgust. Free Dave
replaces a spatula on the grill and leaves the cooking line, making for the Black
Metal BackDoor of the Bucket o’ Blood>>
“Well Hop-a-Long n’ Junior, it’s been real and it’s been fun, but it’s beer thirty and this
boy is done.”, says Free Dave.
<<Free Dave pulls off his apron and throws to on the Boss’s chair and helps himself
to another of the Boss’s cigarettes>>
“Woah! Hold on there little doggie.”, says Notnek.
<<the Boss casually strolls into the kitchen from the front of the house>>
“Junior and Hop-a-Long can’t stay all day and play Free Dave, they’ve gotta come back
and run my restaurant tonight. Turns out y’all’s idgit night cook buddies went out
partying after closing last night. They can’t make it to work this afternoon on account of
them being in jail.”, says Notnek merrily.
<<Notnek walks all the way through the front kitchen, past you and Hopskotch and
comes to a stop. he stands next to his minion, Free Dave. Free Dave looks
somewhat frightened; with his back to the Black Metal BackDoor of the Bucket o’
Blood. Notnek plucks the stolen cigarette out of Free Dave’s mouth and tosses it
into his own. Notnek winks at you and Hopskotch (you are both still cooking and
cleaning whilst watching the angry dad torment Free Dave) and pats Free Dave on
the cheek. Notnek moves past Free Dave to the Black Metal BackDoor in
preparation to ignore the sound of his three employees’ protest at extra working
hours. Notnek stops mid exit-stride when he notices a cigarette lighter on the edge
of Free Dave’s hamburger plate. Notnek snatches the lighter and lights the twice
“Guess I’ll be eating this tasty burger here…”, says Free Dave.
<<you walk with Hopskotch into the kitchen’s back room and take off your apron. you take Hopskotch’s and hang it, with your’s upon the equipment rack behind Free Dave. you and Hopskotch both stand and smile at your angry co-worker. Hopskotch picks up Free Dave’s discarded apron off of Boss’s desk and holds it out to Free Dave>>
“Your dad said to put this back on and get back to work bud.”, you say. <<with Finnegan
merriment floating through your words>>
“Dad?! The only dad I’ve heard around here was your baby’s daddy calling to remind
you to eat a dick, Finnegan.”, says Free Dave.
<<he then takes a bite of his burger and walks backwards, sliding on the toes of his
shoes toward the cooking line>>
“Don’t disembowel the co-worker. Can’t go home if I disembowel the co-worker.”, you
<<with clenched fists and tears building in your eyes. you and Hopskotch silently
walk to the from of the house and up to the bar to drink the Boss’s booze infront of
Free Dave’s angry working eyes>>
“Don’t let Free Dave punk you around with low hanging emotional fruit buddy.”, says Hopskotch Sunday.
<<he pats you on the back of your battered black leather jacket. the two of you are
now walking away from the Bucket o’ Blood. Notnek came back in from his post
“Mock the Employees” smoke break to chase you and Hopskotch away from his bar
and his Waitresses. now your friend is trying to cheer you up, as the two of you
walk toward another bar. you and Hopskotch plan to drink with a couple of your
friends before returning to the Bucket o’ Blood and cooking for 300 of Notnek’s
closest personal friends later this evening>>
A lot of the regulars actually are Boss’s friends. They actually come eat and drink here
everyday. It is scary.
<<kind of like you do?>>
Well at least I get paid to eat and drink here…
<<i think it is odd Finnegan; you spend a lot of time hanging out at bars before going
out to hang out at yet more bars. you complain about having to go cook at the bar,
but then after you finish cooking at the bar you usually stay there and drink. and
then many times you finish drinking at work and go out with Hopskotch or other
friends to other bars to hang out and drink… followed by drunken complaining
about you having to be at the bar the next day. one would think since you spend so
much time there working, it would be the last place you would want to hang out in
your limited free time. well Finnegan?>>
Yeah, I’ve got nothing. You beat me with logic Virus.
<<you walk with Hopskotch and he winds down your pep talk as you and he near a
bar (surprise! not surprised) and restaurant called the Howdy Partner>>
“Yeah I know Free Dave was just trying to punk me, but he did it with more wit than I
thought him capable of. It’s like he and Notnek have been working their minds out…
getting smarter or something.”, you say.
“Because it definitely isn’t all the booze you drink making you dumber…”, says
“Of course not.”, you say.
<<both of you are only partly kidding. now let us take some time to meet some of
the other folks involved in your story, shall we?>>
&&&Finnegan putting up a hand to stop floating virus from talking image&&
Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a minute little doggie.
<<what? what is wrong buddy?>>
We’re moving a little fast here don’t you think?
<<it is called a logical plot progression Finnegan. i am telling you a story>>
Well I feel that you are going through the events in my life with way too much brevity.
<<i apologize. let me drone on and on about the rust and water stains on the
outside of the walk-in. or the constant trash smell when you stand out back to
smoke a cigarette or some weed. or how Free Dave did not shake his worthless
pecker quite enough after urinating and you could notice the dribble down the
front of his pants after he came back from pissing out behind the shed…>>
Ewww!! Shut up Vile-rASS!!
<<really? are you a child Finnegan?>>
No, but now that you mention it; let me tell you a story…
&&&Finnegan holding book and Virus holding up two tentacles in a hands pleading manner image&&&
<<no!! wait, i am sorry. please do not do it…>>
This is a children’s story that I used to read to Baby Thor every night before bed.